Cheesus Chrunch!

A lady found a Cheeto shaped like Jesus on the Cross.

She said she was upset because she was fat and she asked God to help her and then lo and behold (insert chorus of angels singing here) she pulled a crucifix shaped cheeto out of the bag.

She hasn't eaten a cheeto since then.

Everyone please stand and join me in our next hymn.

What a friend we have in Cheetos.
Light and crunchy, on our lips.
How we love to snack on Cheetos.
cheese on our fingers, fat on hips.

Young and old all love their Cheetos.
Who can--nnnn resist that cheeta's groove?
Grab a bad and sing the praises.
I think the Heavenly Father would approve.

AMEN

I knew all those years as a baptist would pay off one day.

13 years

I was married 13 years ago today. That was three kids, two mortgages, two military moves and a lot of lb's ago.

We have the same wedding anniversary as Prince Charles and Princess Diana, if the Prince hadn't fooled around with the horsey woman. It was the whole, wishing he was a tampon, story that turned me to Team Diana. I got up at 4 a.m. to watch that wedding. It was fabulous!

I remember telling the florist that I wanted my bouquet to be "unstructured, with vines, greenery and lillies and make sure it is Princess Diana Big". And it was... Big. In fact I remember when she gave it to me it was heavy. They had to duct tape the handle it was so big.... but it was fantastic!

Mamma Mia! Please Don't Let James Bond Sing.

I saw Mamma Mia last night. It was really good. It was not something the Husband would like, but it was funny and the music was great.

It helps to enjoy a cute, silly, funny, not gonna make you think movie musical if you have had a few glasses of red wine.

The wine also helps to tolerate Pierce Brosnan's singing. He tries. He looks like he's in pain when he is singing, but he tries. I will forever think of Pierce in Pain when I hear S.O.S.

It was like watching one of the first weeks of American Idol. You know when the sad people are trying to win a spot. You want them to stop singing because they are so bad, but you can't stop watching because you can't believe some one who sings THAT BAD is actually auditioning. (My personal favorite was the Boy singing Like a Virgin.)

I have decided that they are the ones who don't have a mother, because any GOOD mother would look at their child and say "Baby, I love you and you are great, but you can't sing."

That's James Bond. The boy who tries to sing, but just falls short.

So, go out to eat with a bunch of chicks. Drinks a few glasses of red wine and go see the movie. You will love it.

I'm a Magnet!

I don't know what it is, but the freaks flock to me.

We parked the minivan in the parking lot at the military exchange complex. Making a quick beer run on a Sunday, on our way home from church. Sinners we are, yes sir-ree.

A white Trailblazer parked next to me with some grey haired old people in Hawaiian shirts. It would have been just another suv full of military retirees except for the Zebra stripes on the ENTIRE vehicle. The girls were squealing. They loved it.

When the suv pulled out I got a good look at the tailgate. It had large writing. 4-5 inch black lettering. It read

Gene Morris
World's Greatest Long Spear Thrower

I am a little bummed out.

I would totally have asked him about his long spear.

You Have Mail

This is an email I sent to my friend Kerry today.

Subject: hey
>
> I have found the baby tent for Holly and was going to drop it off. Is she home this weekend?
>
> I needed to show her how to open it up. It's not difficult, but tricky.
>
> Kids are driving me nuts today. Jay took the day off to fish. I think he wanted to escape from the three idiots we call kids.
>
> I cracked the whip today and canceled the playdates and sleepover because everything I told them to put away was shoved under the beds.
>
> Yep, I lost my shit this a.m.
>
> We are almost out of toilet paper so when King Neptune comes home this afternoon, I am going to get out of this nuthouse.

It was just a scratch!

Some people think that we will believe anything. I guess they think we have shit for brains.

This guy, needs to get out of town.

Apparently a local Officer of the Law went to get a massage. Sometime durring the massage, he took off his towel and started to pleasure himself. The maseuse called the police and he was arrested.

Not long after the arrest, this Officer's lawyer made a statement saying that everyone has blown this out of porportion. He was not pleasuring himself. He was scratching.

YEP, that was some itch.

Dude, resign, take a long vacation and get a night job stacking the shelves at Home Depot.

Free Counter