Jehovas Witness

We managed to make if from the Gulf Coast to Evansville, Indiana in one day. It was a long drive, but not too traumatic.

It's 10 p.m. on a Saturday night. We are all tired. Looking for a hotel room. We can't find one.

Finally we get one at a Days Inn or something like that. One King bed, one sleeper sofa for 5 people. Done, we will take it.

Apparently we stop in the only town in the UNITED STATES that is having a Jehovas Witness convention.

The only room available has an octagonal window cut out in the wall between the shower and the bedroom.

I could be taking a shower/whirlpool tub and reach out into the bedroom. I think we got the low rent version of the Honeymoon Suite.

Kinky Midwesterners!

IT'S NOT FUNNNNNYYYYYY..... STOP LAUGHING.....

OK, it really was.... really funny.

First of all let me start by saying if there is a Cracker Barrel that where we haven't eaten or used the bathroom in Indiana, Tennessee or Alabama, find it....

We can walk in and know the daily special without looking at the menu.

Anyway. On our way back from Chicago, we stopped in Nashville Saturday to spend the night. Got up early Sunday. Dressed nice and drove to Sewanee, TN. Stopped at The University of the South to attend church and let Dr. Papa show the High Maintenance Trio where he went to college. It was a great morning. They loved it.

We get on the road and stop at, yes, a Cracker Barrel at South Pittsburg, Tennessee. Sit down and order drinks and food.

Let me preface this by saying all week Petite Houdini has been wiggling her way out of her car seat straps. No amount of tightening the straps will hold her into the seat.

So, we are sitting at the table and the petite one says "I'm Stuck". I respond with a "yes you are. You are strapped into the high chair."

Well, PH starts to scream "I'm Stuck". I look over and she has managed to push both her elbows through the slats of her high chair and they ARE stuck. I immediately say a few four letter words and tell Dr. Papa that she is stuck. Then I start to giggle.

The Petite is now crying and screaming. Dr. Papa is trying to dislodge her elbows from the sturdy wooden highchair.

Well, sitting next to us is the Regional Manager for Cracker Barrel. She jumps up and goes into crisis mode. She tells our waitress to grab a bag of ice.

Now, I have to tell you our waitress looked and talked just like Anna Nicole's half sister. The blonde one who keeps giving interviews to Inside Edition. Cute but kinda slow.

SO, La Petite is still screaming and Lucy and Ethel have realized that their little sister's arms are stuck in the chair. They both start laughing hysterically. Pointing their fingers at her and laughing.

PH has had enough, her arms are stuck. Her sisters are laughing at her. She does what a 3 year old does, she screams "STOP LAUGHING AT ME". And what does that do to the sisters, they laugh even more. So she screams "IT'S NOT FUNNYYYYYYYYY".

At that time we all start laughing hysterically. Me, Dr. Papa, Lucy and Ethel. Crying we were laughing so hard.

Apparently we were the only people in the store who thought this was funny. I got quite a few ugly looks from some old bitty.

It was 2:30 p.m. on a beautiful Sunday afternoon in the Tennessee mountains. We were traveling, what was her excuse for being at the Cracker Barrel scarfing down a dumpling platter.

Anyway, it took about a minute and a half to free the Petite Houdini from her bondage and we made it home without another incident.

Now, who wants to sign up for our next vacation?

Wicked

While we were in Chicago I took Lucy and Ethel to see Wicked. It really was a great musical. They loved it. I loved it. Bought the CD and t-shirts.

Ten minutes into the show Ethel said "so, they don't like her because she's green? That's not a reason."

Great, the 7 year old got it and now we can go home....

Big Jim's Boobie Bungalow

I swear. It was a billboard on I-65 in Southern Tennessee.

Big Jim's Boobie Bungalow.

Those two words together are just too funny. Boobie Bungalow.

I guess he could have gone with Big Tom's Tittie Teepee.

I love Tennessee!

Bears at the Beach

There was a story on the news a few nights ago about a Black Bear in Navarre. It had been going through the neighborhood garbage at night.

The nice young Lincoln Navigator driving family was surprised that the beast going through their garbage was not the Raccoon they thought, but a Black Bear. When the husband went out to check on the noise, he found a large bear on his driveway. They took photos of the Bear and called the Police.

The Game Warden was called and at the time of the story, the family was told there was nothing they could do about the bear. The terrified young woman with the two year old said "does someone have to die before they do something about this bear?".

Now, it took me about a second and a half to realize the error of their ways.

Had this happend in my backyard, there is NO DOUBT in my mind that this would be the conversation with the police department.

Sheriff's Dept: Escambia Sheriff's Dept.

My house: Yeah, I have a question, what if something has been in my garbage and when I went outside to check on some suspicious noises and I just happened to be cleaning my gun in my garage, and I live outside the city limits, near a swamp, and there was a Black Bear in my garbage and when I went outside to check on the noise, the bear lunged at me and I shot it.... It's ok for me to keep the Bear skin right?

Sheriff's Dept: Well, sir, if this happened, we will need to call the Game Warden....

My house: Oh, don't worry about it. It' really didn't happen. It was a What If question... I was just wondering ...... It was really a raccoon and I shot the kid's pellet gun and scared it off. No need to call anyone. Thank you for your time.

background voices before the phone disconnects..... Hey baby, get out there and wash the blood off the driveway. I am gonna put this bear in the freezer until I can get it to the taxidermist!

Click.

The MomOlympics

Because we are going to be bombarded by NBC Olympic coverage, I thought I would get a head start on my own version.

The MomOlympics

Under Track and Field we have the following categories:

The Webkinz Punt
This has two divisions; Distance and Accuracy
** Webkinz must be picked up with toes for the accuracy division.

A Sort and Fold relay.
This is a timed event. It can be a team sport when sorting, matching and folding socks are involved.

The Garbage Can Sprint
This is an early morning event. It is a sprint to get the large garbage can to the street before the truck arrives. This requires memory skills. The trucks may arrive any time between 6 and 8 a.m.

In the Gymnastics category we have the following:

The Diaper Change Wrestling Event
Extra points for accuracy and Butt Paste application.

The After School Ballet Dance of Death
This requires skill in dressing children in tights and leotards, feeding children, completing homework and twisting ballerina's hair into tight bun for dancing. AND doing it three times a week in a mini-van.

Please feel free to add any additional events you think are relevant to this competition.
I will add them to list and give credit where credit is due.

Harry Potter and Porn

They are burning books in Shreveport. Yes, the International House of Prayer, not to be confused with the International House of Pancakes, has declared that Harry Potter is just as bad as Porn. Maybe as addictive. I did read each book in a matter of days.

Nothing says I am an ignorant, crazy, bible beating zealot, dumbass better than burning children's books.