A lady found a Cheeto shaped like Jesus on the Cross.
She said she was upset because she was fat and she asked God to help her and then lo and behold (insert chorus of angels singing here) she pulled a crucifix shaped cheeto out of the bag.
She hasn't eaten a cheeto since then.
Everyone please stand and join me in our next hymn.
What a friend we have in Cheetos.
Light and crunchy, on our lips.
How we love to snack on Cheetos.
cheese on our fingers, fat on hips.
Young and old all love their Cheetos.
Who can--nnnn resist that cheeta's groove?
Grab a bad and sing the praises.
I think the Heavenly Father would approve.
AMEN
I knew all those years as a baptist would pay off one day.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
13 years
I was married 13 years ago today. That was three kids, two mortgages, two military moves and a lot of lb's ago.
We have the same wedding anniversary as Prince Charles and Princess Diana, if the Prince hadn't fooled around with the horsey woman. It was the whole, wishing he was a tampon, story that turned me to Team Diana. I got up at 4 a.m. to watch that wedding. It was fabulous!
I remember telling the florist that I wanted my bouquet to be "unstructured, with vines, greenery and lillies and make sure it is Princess Diana Big". And it was... Big. In fact I remember when she gave it to me it was heavy. They had to duct tape the handle it was so big.... but it was fantastic!
Mamma Mia! Please Don't Let James Bond Sing.
I saw Mamma Mia last night. It was really good. It was not something the Husband would like, but it was funny and the music was great.
It helps to enjoy a cute, silly, funny, not gonna make you think movie musical if you have had a few glasses of red wine.
The wine also helps to tolerate Pierce Brosnan's singing. He tries. He looks like he's in pain when he is singing, but he tries. I will forever think of Pierce in Pain when I hear S.O.S.
It was like watching one of the first weeks of American Idol. You know when the sad people are trying to win a spot. You want them to stop singing because they are so bad, but you can't stop watching because you can't believe some one who sings THAT BAD is actually auditioning. (My personal favorite was the Boy singing Like a Virgin.)
I have decided that they are the ones who don't have a mother, because any GOOD mother would look at their child and say "Baby, I love you and you are great, but you can't sing."
That's James Bond. The boy who tries to sing, but just falls short.
So, go out to eat with a bunch of chicks. Drinks a few glasses of red wine and go see the movie. You will love it.
It helps to enjoy a cute, silly, funny, not gonna make you think movie musical if you have had a few glasses of red wine.
The wine also helps to tolerate Pierce Brosnan's singing. He tries. He looks like he's in pain when he is singing, but he tries. I will forever think of Pierce in Pain when I hear S.O.S.
It was like watching one of the first weeks of American Idol. You know when the sad people are trying to win a spot. You want them to stop singing because they are so bad, but you can't stop watching because you can't believe some one who sings THAT BAD is actually auditioning. (My personal favorite was the Boy singing Like a Virgin.)
I have decided that they are the ones who don't have a mother, because any GOOD mother would look at their child and say "Baby, I love you and you are great, but you can't sing."
That's James Bond. The boy who tries to sing, but just falls short.
So, go out to eat with a bunch of chicks. Drinks a few glasses of red wine and go see the movie. You will love it.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
I'm a Magnet!
I don't know what it is, but the freaks flock to me.
We parked the minivan in the parking lot at the military exchange complex. Making a quick beer run on a Sunday, on our way home from church. Sinners we are, yes sir-ree.
A white Trailblazer parked next to me with some grey haired old people in Hawaiian shirts. It would have been just another suv full of military retirees except for the Zebra stripes on the ENTIRE vehicle. The girls were squealing. They loved it.
When the suv pulled out I got a good look at the tailgate. It had large writing. 4-5 inch black lettering. It read
Gene Morris
World's Greatest Long Spear Thrower
I am a little bummed out.
I would totally have asked him about his long spear.
We parked the minivan in the parking lot at the military exchange complex. Making a quick beer run on a Sunday, on our way home from church. Sinners we are, yes sir-ree.
A white Trailblazer parked next to me with some grey haired old people in Hawaiian shirts. It would have been just another suv full of military retirees except for the Zebra stripes on the ENTIRE vehicle. The girls were squealing. They loved it.
When the suv pulled out I got a good look at the tailgate. It had large writing. 4-5 inch black lettering. It read
Gene Morris
World's Greatest Long Spear Thrower
I am a little bummed out.
I would totally have asked him about his long spear.
Friday, July 25, 2008
You Have Mail
This is an email I sent to my friend Kerry today.
Subject: hey
>
> I have found the baby tent for Holly and was going to drop it off. Is she home this weekend?
>
> I needed to show her how to open it up. It's not difficult, but tricky.
>
> Kids are driving me nuts today. Jay took the day off to fish. I think he wanted to escape from the three idiots we call kids.
>
> I cracked the whip today and canceled the playdates and sleepover because everything I told them to put away was shoved under the beds.
>
> Yep, I lost my shit this a.m.
>
> We are almost out of toilet paper so when King Neptune comes home this afternoon, I am going to get out of this nuthouse.
Subject: hey
>
> I have found the baby tent for Holly and was going to drop it off. Is she home this weekend?
>
> I needed to show her how to open it up. It's not difficult, but tricky.
>
> Kids are driving me nuts today. Jay took the day off to fish. I think he wanted to escape from the three idiots we call kids.
>
> I cracked the whip today and canceled the playdates and sleepover because everything I told them to put away was shoved under the beds.
>
> Yep, I lost my shit this a.m.
>
> We are almost out of toilet paper so when King Neptune comes home this afternoon, I am going to get out of this nuthouse.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
It was just a scratch!
Some people think that we will believe anything. I guess they think we have shit for brains.
This guy, needs to get out of town.
Apparently a local Officer of the Law went to get a massage. Sometime durring the massage, he took off his towel and started to pleasure himself. The maseuse called the police and he was arrested.
Not long after the arrest, this Officer's lawyer made a statement saying that everyone has blown this out of porportion. He was not pleasuring himself. He was scratching.
YEP, that was some itch.
Dude, resign, take a long vacation and get a night job stacking the shelves at Home Depot.
This guy, needs to get out of town.
Apparently a local Officer of the Law went to get a massage. Sometime durring the massage, he took off his towel and started to pleasure himself. The maseuse called the police and he was arrested.
Not long after the arrest, this Officer's lawyer made a statement saying that everyone has blown this out of porportion. He was not pleasuring himself. He was scratching.
YEP, that was some itch.
Dude, resign, take a long vacation and get a night job stacking the shelves at Home Depot.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Name our Boat
We need to name our boat. It's not anything fancy, but we love it. The girls have noticed that the other boats we see have names. They think it's time for ours to have a name.
I heard that Walter Cronkite had a sailboat named Assignment and when he was not on the evening news the person filling in for him said "Walter Cronkite is on Assignment". The viewers assumed he was working on a project. Apparently he was on his sailboat.
SO, we are looking for clever names for this boat.
The girls ideas are well, girlie.
The Royal Yacht
3 Princesses
4 chicks and a doc (that was mine)
On Call
The O.R.
Scrubbed In
Beeper Free
If you have any ideas, add them.
I heard that Walter Cronkite had a sailboat named Assignment and when he was not on the evening news the person filling in for him said "Walter Cronkite is on Assignment". The viewers assumed he was working on a project. Apparently he was on his sailboat.
SO, we are looking for clever names for this boat.
The girls ideas are well, girlie.
The Royal Yacht
3 Princesses
4 chicks and a doc (that was mine)
On Call
The O.R.
Scrubbed In
Beeper Free
If you have any ideas, add them.
Boat People
Have you noticed that when you ride in a boat you wave, a lot?
No, we don't know any of the other people on the boats, but we wave.
Like kids in a parade. We wave at fishing boats, sailboats, kayaks and charter boats. We even wave at the tug boats pushing barges and people eating at restaurants along the water. We get real excited and wave with both hands if we see a dog on a boat.
It's like there is some unwritten code of the Intercostal Waterway.
Have Boat, Must Wave!
No, we don't know any of the other people on the boats, but we wave.
Like kids in a parade. We wave at fishing boats, sailboats, kayaks and charter boats. We even wave at the tug boats pushing barges and people eating at restaurants along the water. We get real excited and wave with both hands if we see a dog on a boat.
It's like there is some unwritten code of the Intercostal Waterway.
Have Boat, Must Wave!
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Call me on my Cell
After living in Pensacola for a year I have learned that the homeless like this climate too.
In fact, many of the homeless ride bikes. EVERYWHERE. They put the plastic milk crates on the front as baskets. Some even decorate them with Mardi Gras beads.
My theory, if they can ride bikes, they can find a job, somewhere. But then there's that whole mental illness thing. BUT, there is a free clinic here for that. BUT there is that whole smelly thing. BUT, there is a place for them to shower. BUT there is the dirty clothes thing. BUT there is a group that goes around and distributes clean clothes. BUT enough of that.
I volunteered to go with two good Episcopalian Women to attend a meeting of local religious and other organizations that help feed the homeless. What I found out was that there is a meal for the homeless every day in Pensacola, Florida. It's available to those who are hungry.
So..... my new friend was driving one morning and saw this homeless lady on the street. She had seen her before and stopped and offered her a ride.... YES, we have all told her to NEVER do that again since she is probably 95 lbs soaking wet.
OK, she tells the lady about the various meals available and the lady tells her that she has gone to that one too many times and that she is not eligible for the other one, yada yada yada.
Then my friend tells her that our church group is going to have a meal for the homeless this summer and she can check the message boards at the shelters to find out what day.
Homeless lady then says "LET ME GIVE YOU MY CELL PHONE NUMBER AND YOU CAN CALL ME WITH THE INFORMATION".
Yes people, this "homeless" lady has a cell phone.
Does anyone else find this disturbing?
In fact, many of the homeless ride bikes. EVERYWHERE. They put the plastic milk crates on the front as baskets. Some even decorate them with Mardi Gras beads.
My theory, if they can ride bikes, they can find a job, somewhere. But then there's that whole mental illness thing. BUT, there is a free clinic here for that. BUT there is that whole smelly thing. BUT, there is a place for them to shower. BUT there is the dirty clothes thing. BUT there is a group that goes around and distributes clean clothes. BUT enough of that.
I volunteered to go with two good Episcopalian Women to attend a meeting of local religious and other organizations that help feed the homeless. What I found out was that there is a meal for the homeless every day in Pensacola, Florida. It's available to those who are hungry.
So..... my new friend was driving one morning and saw this homeless lady on the street. She had seen her before and stopped and offered her a ride.... YES, we have all told her to NEVER do that again since she is probably 95 lbs soaking wet.
OK, she tells the lady about the various meals available and the lady tells her that she has gone to that one too many times and that she is not eligible for the other one, yada yada yada.
Then my friend tells her that our church group is going to have a meal for the homeless this summer and she can check the message boards at the shelters to find out what day.
Homeless lady then says "LET ME GIVE YOU MY CELL PHONE NUMBER AND YOU CAN CALL ME WITH THE INFORMATION".
Yes people, this "homeless" lady has a cell phone.
Does anyone else find this disturbing?
Friday, July 11, 2008
Lily White Chicago. Where's Jake and Elwood?
One afternoon, on our recent trip to Chicago, I drove around the Northern suburbs. Winnetka, Lake Forest, Highland Park. The houses are amazing. The Towns are clean and neat with modern, stone, English looking train stations. Lots of hybrids and luxury suv's. The Jewish were driving German cars (yep, I have a problem with that one too). The flowers were blooming. My 2 1/2 year old was napping. Everything should have been right with the world. There was one problem.
Where's 21 year old Sha'nay'nay and her 4 babies? Where's the PWT with the confederate flag in the truck window? Where are the "undesirables". The panhandlers. The homeless sleeping on the street. The ones that make you cringe when you see them. The ones who are living paycheck to paycheck. One natural disaster away from living in a shelter. The ones who give us a reality check every time we see them.
POOF!
I had my Oprah light bulb moment. (Appropriate since we were in Chicago.) I get it. I now understand why so many Northern Suburbanites vote Democrat and can't understand why cynical Southerner smirks at the idea that"public schools are great".
The only way they see Sha'nay'nay and Joe Bob and Bubba and homeless vet and the one legged beggar is if Sha'nay'nay and the white supremacists take a wrong turn off the Edens Expressway. Rarely, if ever, do they see the fraud, waste and abuse of the welfare system. Their kids go to a great public school where the other kids don't "ax" them a question.
I had entered a new dimension. The Lily White Suburbs. Highland Park, IL - 91.2% white, 1.87% black. There could have been African Americans there. I didn't see any for most of that week. But they could have lived there.
There were multi-million dollar homes on every corner. What do these people do? Forget drug dealing, these folks must be running guns? Financial Markets? Lawyers? Doctors? Certainly not working the night shift at the local factory.
The closest thing to thugs were some over 50 hippies getting on the train to ride to the Ravinia Festival concert featuring Willie Nelson. The Bandanna gave them away.
Don't get me wrong. We had a great time. My brother-in-law has a great big Greek family. They are fun and inviting and we enjoy being around them. We even picked up a few Greek words while we were there. I can say shoes and watermelon in Greek.
AND... we will go back again. In the Summer. When it's nice and pretty. Forget the Chicago winters. I will take the Gulf Coast heat and humidity any day of the week. At least we can find a shade tree, a pool and an adult beverage to cool off.
We also learned a few new things and isn't that what family vacations are all about.
I learned that I am glad that I have seen the South in so many ways. I am glad that as a child, my Dad took me to Lindy West's house to buy tamales. The first time I set foot in an African American's home. I saw a plaque that had a photo of MLK, Jr., JFK and a Black Jesus. Black Jesus. Well, if we think he's white I guess Lindy can think he's black.
I am glad that my husband told me some of the stories of his 6 years of surgery residency in a charity hospital. I realized that, regardless of skin color, some people are just going to be pathetic and trashy and there is nothing you can do about it.
I have learned that sometimes you just have to shake your head, laugh, get up, put on your big girl panties and deal with it.
Now Sha'nay'nay, you go get Bubba, get your ass back in the car and lets get back to the South before you start asking the waitress at the Cracker Barrel for a Soda.
Where's 21 year old Sha'nay'nay and her 4 babies? Where's the PWT with the confederate flag in the truck window? Where are the "undesirables". The panhandlers. The homeless sleeping on the street. The ones that make you cringe when you see them. The ones who are living paycheck to paycheck. One natural disaster away from living in a shelter. The ones who give us a reality check every time we see them.
POOF!
I had my Oprah light bulb moment. (Appropriate since we were in Chicago.) I get it. I now understand why so many Northern Suburbanites vote Democrat and can't understand why cynical Southerner smirks at the idea that"public schools are great".
The only way they see Sha'nay'nay and Joe Bob and Bubba and homeless vet and the one legged beggar is if Sha'nay'nay and the white supremacists take a wrong turn off the Edens Expressway. Rarely, if ever, do they see the fraud, waste and abuse of the welfare system. Their kids go to a great public school where the other kids don't "ax" them a question.
I had entered a new dimension. The Lily White Suburbs. Highland Park, IL - 91.2% white, 1.87% black. There could have been African Americans there. I didn't see any for most of that week. But they could have lived there.
There were multi-million dollar homes on every corner. What do these people do? Forget drug dealing, these folks must be running guns? Financial Markets? Lawyers? Doctors? Certainly not working the night shift at the local factory.
The closest thing to thugs were some over 50 hippies getting on the train to ride to the Ravinia Festival concert featuring Willie Nelson. The Bandanna gave them away.
Don't get me wrong. We had a great time. My brother-in-law has a great big Greek family. They are fun and inviting and we enjoy being around them. We even picked up a few Greek words while we were there. I can say shoes and watermelon in Greek.
AND... we will go back again. In the Summer. When it's nice and pretty. Forget the Chicago winters. I will take the Gulf Coast heat and humidity any day of the week. At least we can find a shade tree, a pool and an adult beverage to cool off.
We also learned a few new things and isn't that what family vacations are all about.
I learned that I am glad that I have seen the South in so many ways. I am glad that as a child, my Dad took me to Lindy West's house to buy tamales. The first time I set foot in an African American's home. I saw a plaque that had a photo of MLK, Jr., JFK and a Black Jesus. Black Jesus. Well, if we think he's white I guess Lindy can think he's black.
I am glad that my husband told me some of the stories of his 6 years of surgery residency in a charity hospital. I realized that, regardless of skin color, some people are just going to be pathetic and trashy and there is nothing you can do about it.
I have learned that sometimes you just have to shake your head, laugh, get up, put on your big girl panties and deal with it.
Now Sha'nay'nay, you go get Bubba, get your ass back in the car and lets get back to the South before you start asking the waitress at the Cracker Barrel for a Soda.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
I Poured the Wine, She Cut the Cheese
I stopped at the Flora Bama to pick up a t-shirt and some CD's for a friend in Afghanistan. Who wants to go to Afghanistan without a Flora-Bama Do It On the Line T-Shirt? Not me!
I picked up a CD by Rusty McHugh and laughed all the way home. OK, so it's a 10 minute drive from my house to the Flora Bama, but I drove slow.
I couldn't resist with the names of some of the songs. I Poured the Wine (She Cut the Cheese), Old Milwaukee - An Ugly Woman - and a Crappy Bag of Pot, Tequila Makes My Clothes Fall Off, Too Sunburned to Screw, We All Love a Woman With a Big Ole Ass, You Don't Have to be Happy to be Gay, White People's Party, Daddy's Naked and Up On the Waterslide.....
I think my favorite title is She Put a Louisiana Liplock on My Alabama Porkchop.
You get the idea. It's not a G rated sing along.
Maybe if you are lucky you will be on my Christmas List and receive a CD as a gift!
www.payplay.fm/rustymchugh1
In that same line of off color humor, I also bought the CD with the title
Big Earl Sings The Classics
16 Hilarious Songs That Will Have You Laughing Your Ass Off
You Damn Right!
These are a few of Earl's bests.
There's a Critter Up My Shitter
Wish I Was Hung Like My Brother
Yes folks, I can find some fine beach music.
I picked up a CD by Rusty McHugh and laughed all the way home. OK, so it's a 10 minute drive from my house to the Flora Bama, but I drove slow.
I couldn't resist with the names of some of the songs. I Poured the Wine (She Cut the Cheese), Old Milwaukee - An Ugly Woman - and a Crappy Bag of Pot, Tequila Makes My Clothes Fall Off, Too Sunburned to Screw, We All Love a Woman With a Big Ole Ass, You Don't Have to be Happy to be Gay, White People's Party, Daddy's Naked and Up On the Waterslide.....
I think my favorite title is She Put a Louisiana Liplock on My Alabama Porkchop.
You get the idea. It's not a G rated sing along.
Maybe if you are lucky you will be on my Christmas List and receive a CD as a gift!
www.payplay.fm/rustymchugh1
In that same line of off color humor, I also bought the CD with the title
Big Earl Sings The Classics
16 Hilarious Songs That Will Have You Laughing Your Ass Off
You Damn Right!
These are a few of Earl's bests.
There's a Critter Up My Shitter
Wish I Was Hung Like My Brother
Yes folks, I can find some fine beach music.
One reason why I like Barak Obama (but I am still not going to vote for him)
In one sentence he managed to publicly dismiss Jesse Jackson and make him look like the insignificant racist jackass that he is.
Thank you Senator Obama.
Thank you Senator Obama.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Roadside Food Tour of Louisiana AKA artery clogin' highway
I arrived home on the FL gulf coast with a car load of dirty clothes, grumpy girls and foods from every corner of Louisiana.
It all started with a Watermelon.
A Saline, Louisiana melon. I picked it up in Dodson, Winn Parish for all you foreigners. We didn't eat it because Mom had two other ones.
So I brought it home.
Along with a Jar of Momsey's homemade bread and butter pickles and two tomatoes from her plants.
I picked up a Jar of Peach preserves and Peach salsa at the Peach orchard.
On the way home today, I stopped at the fruit stand and bought a box of peaches and butter beans....
but wait, that's not all.....
I stopped at Lea's to get two pies. Chocolate and Pecan. Yum!
When I got to Krotz Springs I stopped at Billy's to get Boudin. I can't resist that silly sign with the pig that says "BOUDIN AND CRACKLIN". I was tempted by the large tubs of iced long neck beers.
Instead, I got two fried boudin balls and 2$ worth of cracklins, or fried pig according to daughter in the middle.
If there had been a roadside attraction for the largest congealed square of hogs head cheese and biggest corn dog on a stick, I think we would have stopped there too.
But I did make it home from my week at the Peach Festival with the Rustonians. It was fun. I will add more later.
I'm tired and my stomach is a little upset from the cracklins, but they were soooooo good.
AIIIEEEE!
It all started with a Watermelon.
A Saline, Louisiana melon. I picked it up in Dodson, Winn Parish for all you foreigners. We didn't eat it because Mom had two other ones.
So I brought it home.
Along with a Jar of Momsey's homemade bread and butter pickles and two tomatoes from her plants.
I picked up a Jar of Peach preserves and Peach salsa at the Peach orchard.
On the way home today, I stopped at the fruit stand and bought a box of peaches and butter beans....
but wait, that's not all.....
I stopped at Lea's to get two pies. Chocolate and Pecan. Yum!
When I got to Krotz Springs I stopped at Billy's to get Boudin. I can't resist that silly sign with the pig that says "BOUDIN AND CRACKLIN". I was tempted by the large tubs of iced long neck beers.
Instead, I got two fried boudin balls and 2$ worth of cracklins, or fried pig according to daughter in the middle.
If there had been a roadside attraction for the largest congealed square of hogs head cheese and biggest corn dog on a stick, I think we would have stopped there too.
But I did make it home from my week at the Peach Festival with the Rustonians. It was fun. I will add more later.
I'm tired and my stomach is a little upset from the cracklins, but they were soooooo good.
AIIIEEEE!
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