MC Patti Wack

We went to Joe Patti's on Christmas Eve to get shrimp and oysters.... because that's what I wanted to eat this Christmas. I have started to realize that Turkey and Ham are overrated. Really.... how much turkey can you eat without just going nuts.

I decided Shrimp and Corn soup on Christmas Day, BBQ Shrimp on Christmas Eve and Fried Oysters the day after Christmas were what I wanted this year.

Which takes me back to Joe Patti's. It was packed. We walked in the door with our ice chest and pulled number 89. They were calling number 24.... While we waited to get our seafood and check out they went through 200 numbers in one hour... amazing.

It wasn't that bad, but it was interesting. The old man, Mr. Patti, was on the microphone. I am going to call him MC Patti Wack. Boy did he love to hear himself talk. He was calling the numbers.. but it was more than that.... I will try to recreate the scene....

"number 32, 32, OK number 33, number 34, hey there's my oyster man, Mr. Tom. Hey Mr. Tom. Number 35, where is the little lady who wanted 10 lbs of shrimp... Shrimp. It's good for the soul. Eat more seafood. number 36, number 37, we will have clams in one hour... lobsters are very good.. eat lobster and number 38"... and so it goes...

OK, now think of the Rev. Jim Jones audio tapes..... "come on now, don't be afraid, drink the kool aid.. Jesus will be waiting for you... come on... line up...." That was the tone of voice MC Patti Wack was using....

I swear, it was weird and funny and a little unnerving all at the same time.

So, that was my funny Christmas Eve Shopping Story. I don't know how you spent your Christmas Eve.... but I was gettin' some skrimps and NOT drinking the kool aid.

Military Spouses - Bringing Sexy Back

We're bringing sexy back! That's us. Military Spouses. We can do it all.

While we are raising the kids, cooking, cleaning (or supervising the cleaning lady), grocery shopping, signing contracts with the Orthodontist, observing dance classes, ordering costumes, decorating for Christmas, buying gifts, convincing the 3 year old that she is a sheep and not a dog.... we find time to bring sexy back.

As I was in the checkout line at the Commissary on Monday morning, something caught my eye. No, it was not the Supersize Snickers. It was the huge letttering on Military Spouse Magazine - Bring Sexy Back.

So, of course, I bought it. When I got home and unloaded my groceries I sat down for lunch and read my new magazine. 9 ways to reignite your relationship after having a baby. #2. Take a Shower. Occasionally pause for a look in the mirror and try to show your husband you are trying to look nice for him.

Ok, that more than pissed me off, until I looked down and realized I had not showered that morning. I was wearing a lovely tan baseball cap, black pants, black flats and white sweatshirt with a drop of sweet chili sauce from my sushi summer roll.

Next article Keeping Control of the Family while he is deployed. I liked this one.... don't be surprised if you are more emotionally reactive, irritable, argue more frequently, struggle to stay focused on tasks, can't sleep, can't wake up.... this stage can last 3-6 weeks. I didn't need a magazine to tell me that. They say to "take control of the train". Whatever!

It was at that point I put threw the magazine away, finished my sushi and got back on track. Pick up kids, make supper, wash clothes and bring sexy back!

LoJack Jesus.

I thought it was a joke, but Churches all over the United States have been setting up tracking systems for Little Baby Jesus.

They have LoJacked Jesus.

Some morally challenged, and I am sure heavily intoxicated, holiday revelers have been stealing Baby Jesus from the community Nativity Scene. We have reached a new low.

Small Town

I was glad that I grew up in a small town. It really was fun when I think about it. But I am glad that I got on a bus every morning bound for Ruston and Cedar Creek School. I was just thinking about a few things that made me smile, so I jotted them down for you.

I loved riding in the back of a pickup after baseball games to Dairy Queen. It was a bonus to find James Greer there dancing like Elvis.

Thinking for years that Pete Clarey sold Grits. He actually sold The Grit newspaper.

The Blue Christmas Tree Lady. Dad told us she never took down the tree, just closed the shutters.

Knowing it was 6 o'clock when you heard the fire whistle.

Christmas Morning at Momsey and Pops's house on North Polk , waiting for Mr. Mike and the rest of the fire department to come screeching by the house on the way to a house fire across the railroad tracks. Remember folks NO WRAPPING PAPER IN THE FIREPLACE.

Going with Dad to Lindy West's house to pick up Tamales and seeing my first framed picture of MLK, Jr., JFK and Black Jesus. That freaked me out for a few weeks and you can't find Tamales that good anywhere.

Trying to get my hair into a bun like Mrs. Stone. Wanting to drive the
bookmobile.

Being embarassed when mom popped her own popcorn and took it into the theater.

Everyone had a CB Radio, except us.
Everyone had a police scanner, except us. We had Mr. Mike.

The Kiwanis Talent show when Kent and JH were the killer bees. Now that's funny!

It was a great day when we got all those cable channels and we watched WGN and TBS all the time.

When I saw the Junk Yard Dog at the Broasted Chicken Donuts (now Melba's). Wrestlers look much bigger on TV.

Having stores that you called "Broasted Chicken Donuts" and "Ice Milk Beer". The second one is in Winnfield. Does anyone know the real name of those stores?

Riding bikes with no helmets or shoes.

Snakes on your driveway.

Counting the overhead lights in the First Baptist Church wondering how long that old man, the one who sat on right side of the church, could string out a prayer.

Birthday parties at Dambi's Pizza. What was that guy's name that ran that place?

Anyway, I could go on, but it's dancing day and today is parent observation day and costume measuring day. It would be much more enjoyable if they just would serve beer at parent ovservation day. But then again, we would probably ruffle some baptist feathers.

Peace, Love and Continental Can.

This deployment is killing me.

It has only been a few weeks, but this deployment is going to drive me to the nuthouse.

I don't know if I just didn't care or was just oblivious to things during the last deployment, but this time.... damn. I am so tired of all the extra paperwork on my end. This shit sucks big time.

Every time I turn around I have to send copies of orders or copies of orders for the past two years and a power of attorney or the medical liscence renewal with a check and copy of power of attorney.

Man, I'm just f@#king tired of this.

Stupid Clause

Do professional athletes have one? Just wondering.

If I were their employer, I would definitely have a Stupid Clause in their contract.

Plaxico Buress - if that's how you spell his name - shot himself in the thigh at a N.Y. nightclub.

It was reported as an "accidental" shooting.

Let me tell you what happened. Dumbass was f@#king with the gun in his pocket and it went off... in his pants.

Considering the large number of illegitimate children born to Professional Athletes, we could have only hoped for a shot a little more to the, well you get the idea.

Can't afford an L?

Saw this at a Christmas Parade this past weekend.

IHOP Angels

I took the girls to IHOP today for breakfast. No bread or milk in the house this morning,easy decision.

When we were leaving we turned the corner and saw two Nuns, dressed in white (head to toe) sitting at a booth. The three year old pointed to them and said "Hey look Mommy, two Angels."

Both the older ladies smiled and said "BLESS YOU CHILD". I told the girls that they were truly Angels for all the wonderful things they do.

They asked us our names and chatted a little bit. When we left the little one said, "they were nice Angels, Mommy". I agreed.

Please Knock.....

I was recently reminded of a story I told 3 years ago.

Our oldest was just learning to string words together to make sentences. She was very proud of that fact and made LOTS of signs.

One sign posted on her bedroom door said "PLEASE KNOCK".

The younger sister, not wanting to be left out, needed a sign for her room too. One Problem, she couldn't spell. So, she relied on her older sister to tell her what to write. She knew her letters so all she needed was an older sister.

Easy enough, huh?

Maybe not.

When I walked down the hall I found an interesting sign on the door. When I asked the little one what the sign said she replied "PLEASE KNOCK". She was very surprised to learn that the sign she wrote said "POOP ON ME".

She took off after her older sister screaming and waving her arms and managed to land a few blows before I got to her.

I told her from now on, always have Mommy check her signs.

We haven't had another problem.

Bonafide Member of the Driskill Mountain Society

Yep, you heard me right. Driskill Mountain Society.

I bet you didn't know that Mount Driskill is the highest point in Louisiana. 535 feet and I have climbed it. Found in the northeast corner of Sec. 32, T. 17 N., R. 5 W. at 32° 25′ 29.32″ N 92° 53′ 47.90″ W (WGS84) within Bienville Parish for all you legal wingnuts.

I took a Louisiana Geography class my last year at Louisiana Tech. Ralph Pierce was my teacher and he was great! What an interesting man. At one time I could tell you the Louisiana town that received the most rainfall in a 24 hour period. We even visited Poverty Point in Epps, Louisiana to see the Indian Mounds.

He took us all on a field trip to Bienville Parish to climb Driskill Mountain. The path was rough and needed clearing, but we all managed to get to the top and find..... trees. Lots and lots of pine trees. No view. Just a big hill and trees. But, that sweet man made every student who attended the field trip a certificate. You got it.... we were all made "Bonafide Members of the Driskill Mountain Society".

A few years later at the Barnes and Noble they had a book signing of David Brashers book about his climb of Everest. This is the guy who with a crew of 4 or people lugged the IMAX camera up Everest. It just happened to be the same year that they had the worst disaster ever on Everest. Into Thin Air was the story about that climbing season. A crazy number of people died in one 24 hour period.

I went to get my book signed. He was a very nice man. Tall, lanky, scraggly. Looked like a mountain climbing man. I think he was surprised by the number of people who showed up in Shreveport, Louisiana for his book. When I got up in line Mr. Brashers asked if I had ever been climbing. I told him yes. I had climbed the highest point in Louisiana. Mount Driskill at 535 feet. He looked at me, smiled and said "well, you gotta start somewhere".

Acorn gets the vote out!

Just wanted to let everyone know that I voted last week. BUT.... Acorn informed me that I could vote again and again and again...under the following names..... Una Decidedo, Geta D. Voteout, Zeituni Onyango and Van Morrison.

The BRAVO triple feature!

I was giddy when I saw that Bravo had these three shows lined up Sunday night. At 7 p.m. was "I didn't know I was pregnant.", At 8 p.m. was "Purity Balls", and at 9 p.m. was "Painted Babies at 17".

How is that for a great evening with a glass of wine.

I didn't know I was pregnant, really? Women who went 9 months and didn't know they were carrying a child. Mistaking movement of the baby with gas. GAS. That's one hell of a burrito or a serious case of IBS.

Purity Balls.

Now this one was a little freaky. Crazy-ultra-Christian Fathers take their daughters to Purity Balls and have them sign Contracts to stay "Pure" until marriage. They can not kiss a boy. The first Boy they kiss will be their husband on their wedding day.

It was a little weird. These fathers talking about their little girls being pure and clean. As if all teenage boys are evil and diseased.

The girls dress in formal dresses. The fathers are in tuxedos. The entertainment for the evening is a religious ballet dance. Girls of all ages dressed in white long tutus and leotards and dance into the room. The older ones are carrying a wooden cross that becomes the centerpiece of the room. The girls then dance a "choreographed ballet" around the cross. Like a Evangelical Swan Lake. The narrator even comments that the ball "is accompanied by background music from Hollywood movies".

It's a little scary. Almost like the fathers don't want their daughters to grow up. The minister who started this movement meets the young men his daughter would like to go on a date with. She was interviewed and said that on more than one occasion, "they decided that one particular young man was not the one for her". She is now engaged, at 21 years old and will have her first kiss on her wedding day.

What was interesting was that they also interviewed a "sinner". A former Purity Ball girl who (cue the music) got pregnant out of wedlock. She was a former Miss Colorado. Beautiful. Smart. A little sad. She talked about the culture shock she received when she entered college. How socially, she was at least 6 years behind the other girls. Very interesting.


They left the best for last. Child Beauty Pageants!

Painted Babies at 17. Yep, it's a follow up to a documentary from 11 years ago called Painted Babies. It was totally trastastic. One girl quit at the age of 7. She is in boarding school in Tennessee and has a normal summer job. The other (and she would have to be from Louisiana) is still in pageants. She is now training other girls for pageants on the makeshift stage in her backyard.

The best parts are the flashbacks to the earlier days. The Mothers and Grandmothers sitting in the audience doing the dance routines. Telling the girls to smile. Prompting them on when to turn and model. Ya'll, those women were nuts. The Grandmothers of these two girls are crazier than the mothers.

Must See TV!

The Holiday Tri-fecta.

I am spending this weekend trying to cram all three holidays into three days.

Friday was Halloween. Saturday is my birthday/Thanksgiving. Sunday is Christmas Morning.

Dr. Husband will be leaving this week for pre-deployment activities and then to Afghanistan via South Carolina and Kuwait. I know, S.C. But that's the Army for you..... Yes, I said Army. My Navy Doctor husband will be going to Afghanistan with the Army. Go Figure.

So. We just had Turducken, Dressing, Sweet 'tater casserole and a pumpkin cheesecake. Dr. Papa read The Night Before Christmas to the girls and we will all get up in the morning and open one gift before church.

So, welcome to my schizophrenic world.

Why is it Relevant?

Why is it relevant? That's the question I got when I posted an article about Obama's Auntie. You know, the one who has been living in the United States, IN Government Housing, illegally for 4 years.

So... I stopped and thought about that question. Why is is relevant? She's not his mother. She's not his sister. I have read about Barak Obama. Vanity Fair had a very good story about him about 8 months or so ago. I know his background. He didn't have that much contact with his father's family. His Maternal Grandmother raised him. God Bless Grandmothers. They are raising way too many grandchildren in this country. I'm not voting for him. I don't like his Tax Issues. I agree with some of his philosophies, but that's not enough for my vote. I read as much as I could about both candidates and made my informed decision.

But the question is Why is it Relevant?

I rolled this around in my brain for a good 30 minutes. Why is it relevant? I re-read the article on CNN and ABC News online... and my answer is ....

It's all relevant when you want to be President, BUT and that's a BIG BUT.... I am more concerned with his answer.

I was not aware she was here. OK people, what kind of chicken shit answer is that?

Then I started looking up other questions to Sen. Obama. That seems to be the answer de jour.

The obviously mentally challenged, hate spewing minister from Chicago... He wasn't that way when we were in church. People, you don't develop that kind of hatred and contempt over night.... unless you have developed a BRAIN TUMOR!

The bomber and member of the American terrorist group, Weather Underground, of the 70's, Mr. Ayres.... He was just a neighbor. Neighbors gossip. I would bet my best pig on the fact that EVERYONE in the neighborhood knew exactly what Mr. Ayres had done and was a little freaked out by him.

The former PLO spokesman, Rashid Khalidi.... He was just a colleague and I attended his party. A colleague is a colleague, but he had ANY political aspirations, EVER, it was probably not a good idea to attend the party.

Why is is Relevant?

Guilt by Association.

For YEARS my parents have told us, be careful who you hang around, you may be judged by their actions. We would argue that WE are good people and wouldn't do the things those people do.... but my parents would always say...USE YOUR GOOD JUDGMENT.

And maybe that's where I am going. JUDGMENT.

I don't think George Bush used great Judgment. I think his advisers were Power Hungry Beasts. So, we know what happens when you surround yourself with advisers and defer to them.

JUDGMENT.

That's why the Auntie is relevant. This should have been handled MONTHS ago. Someone in his camp should have gone to her and explained the problem. Explained that she was going to be an issue and then if she decided to stay..... he could say that he spoke with her and told her the options..... if she failed to leave the country then he had done what he could she was on her own. NO ONE would have faulted him for that and NO ONE should have asked him why he didn't turn in an Aunt.

Now that would have been what a Born Leader should have done.

Wardrobe-gate

If I hear one more comment about Sarah Palin's expensive wardrobe I think I am going to impale someone with a shoehorn.

Wake up America. If a woman is going to be in the White House, she's gonna look good... and that's not cheap.

Do you think that Barak Obama and John McCain shop at the 50% off rack at Men's Warehouse? Do you think that they hit Payless for the BOGO Men's shoe sale.

HELL to N-O!

The woman is running for Vice-President of the United States. She needs a fierce wardrobe, hair stylist, make up artist and a gay boyfriend to pull it all together.

Mississippi Stonehenge

It's something everyone should see. I could not believe how beautiful and haunting the ruins were.

This is Windsor Ruins. It is located near the Mississippi River between Lorman and Port Gibson, Mississippi.

I checked the Wikipedia and found the following information.

The Windsor Plantation at one time covered 2,600 acres (11 km²). Smith Coffee Daniell II, who was born in Mississippi in 1826, the son of an Indian fighter turned farmer and landowner, constructed the mansion itself in 1859-1861. In 1849 he married his cousin Catherine Freeland (1830-1903) by whom he had three children.

Basic construction of the house, which was designed by David Shroder (Shroder also designed and built Rosswood, which is located in Lorman) was done by slave labor. The bricks for use in the 45 foot columns were made in a kiln across the road from the house. The columns were then covered with mortar and plaster. There were 29 of these columns supporting the projecting roof line with its plain, broad frieze and molded cornice. This provided protection for the galleries that encompassed the house at the second and third levels. The fluted columns had iron Corinthian capitals and were joined at the galleries by an ornamental iron balustrade.

Skilled carpenters were brought in from New England for the finished woodwork and the iron stairs, column capitals and balustrades were manufactured in St. Louis and shipped down the Mississippi River to the Port of Bruinsburg several miles west of Windsor.

The mansion cost about $175,000.00 (this would be about 3.5 million dollars today) to build and was completed in 1861. However Smith Daniell lived in the home only a few weeks before he died at the age of 34.

When completed, the home contained over 25 rooms, each with its own fireplace and among other innovations, featured interior baths supplied with water from a tank in the attic.

On the Main floor, flanking the broad hall, were the master bedroom, a bath, 2 parlors, a study and the library. In the ell off this part of the structure was located the dining room. Directly below in the above ground basement was the kitchen, with the two connected by a dumbwaiter. Also in this basement were a school room, an on-site dairy, several storage rooms, a commissary and a doctor's office.

On the third floor were an additional bath and 9 more bedrooms, each with their own fireplace.

Above the smaller 4th floor (which had a ballroom, but was never finished) there was a roof-top observatory.

During the American Civil War, the home was used by both Union and Confederate troops.

Confederate forces used the roof observatory as an observation platform and signal station. After the capture of the area by Union forces, the mansion was used as a hospital following the Battle of Port Gibson and as an observation station.

The home survived the war and continued to be used for social gatherings in the area. Mark Twain stayed at the home and is said to have used the roof observatory to observe the Mississippi River.

On 17 February 1890, a guest left a lighted cigar on a balcony (it is also said that someone dropped a cigar or cigarette in a pile of wood chips left by carpenters working on the 3rd floor).

The family said the fire started around 3:00 in the afternoon. They had planned a seated dinner and had gone into town to pick up the mail. Riding back they saw flames shooting through the shingled roof. The fire burned from top to bottom making it impossible to extinguish, and the house was completely destroyed in the conflagration.

The only remnants today are 23 haunting columns, a few pieces of china, and a set of the wrought-iron stairs and portions of the balustrade. The flight of stairs and the balustrade are now used at Alcorn State University's chapel down the road.

Finger of God.

OK, I found this in Port Gibson, Mississippi.

I call it the Finger of God. It is on the top of the steeple of the First Presbyterian Church. I always thought those Presbyterians were a little nutty.

Anyway, we stopped in Port Gibson to get some Benadryl for the girls because their bug bites were itching and they would not stop BITCHING about it. I ask the obviously Pentecostal lady checking us out "What's the deal with the gold finger on the church?".

She gave me a look that said "SINNER BE GONE!" and said "It's pointing to heaven, you know to God". I just said OK. Jay paid for the kids benadryl and we left.

Bitch please, I know you wear shorts around the house and watch TV. Don't pull the God card on me. I was Baptist and I'm an Episcopalian now. I might be drinking and whoooo, you don't know how crazy I can get when I start drinking whiskey. So Step OFF and point me in the direction of the nearest Interstate.

Love Lifted Me

I think I totally freaked out my Episcopalian Husband tonight.

Let me set this up....

We had been in Louisiana at my in-laws for the weekend. We decided to stay another night and make it a family day on Monday. We drove to see a plantation home and the Windsor Ruins. (Very Cool)

To make a long story short, we drove all over freaking Mississippi today. At 7 P.M. we finally we get to a Cracker Barrel in Hattiesburg and stop to eat and what do I see at the counter, a KENNY ROGERS CD.

Now I have to say that I have loved Kenny Rogers since I saw him at the Louisiana State Fair a jillion years ago. We buy the CD and the first song is Love Lifted Me. Part country with the chorus of the gospel hymn.

So, there is a part in the song where they sing the chorus two or three times. You know, it goes like this..

"Love Lifted Me, Love Lifted Me. When nothing else would work, you know, Love Lifted Me."

While the chorus was playing I decided to channel Bro. Herb Dickerson from the First Baptist Church of Jonesboro....

Now you all start singing the chorus.... Love Lifted Me......

I started speaking and this is what I said....

Now I stand here before you, asking you to let Jesus come into your heart. Every head is bowed, every eye is closed, every heart is open. Let him lift you up and move you down front.

We are going to sing one more verse, and I am going to ask the Lord God Our Savior Jesus Christ to lay his hand upon you heart. If you feel his tug, please join me up front now everyone joining me .... LOVE LIFTED ME, Love Lifted me,.....

I started laughing and looked at my husband. The look on his face was priceless.

I said NOW THAT'S A BAPTIST FOR YOU!

I am serious. He looked at me like I had three boobs and horn growing out of my head.

I finally said, "You have never been to a church where they do this at the end of the service.... never once, not even to visit?" and he said "NO". I could have asked him if he ate cow shit the way he answered me. It was really funny.

Bless his heart, I will never get him to go to a Baptist Revival with me, ever!

Can I get an Amen?

Undecided voters give me a rash.

I can't believe this election is going to be decided by UNDECIDED voters. That just makes my butt itch.

The people you see at the debates "a cross section of undecided voters" have you looked at them, I mean REALLY looked at them. I think there is something wrong with these people. Really. Maybe they are a little "slow", you know, short bus people.... not that there is anything wrong with that.

I just keep hearing about these UNDECIDED voters and I want to puke.

These are the same people I get behind in the drive thru at McDonalds. They take forever. It drives me nuts. It's a freaking McDonalds. Hamburgers or Chicken Nuggets. Coke or Sprite. Med. combo or Large combo. It's not brain surgery. Make a decision you wingnut.

It's these undecided, wishy washy, Joe and June Schmo's that piss me off.

Why don't you pick up a newspaper or magazine and read about the candidates. This election the candidates are EVERYWHERE. Damn people, use your fucking brain.

At this point I don't care who you vote for, just make an informed decision..... but I heard Obama is a Muslum who hates America and puppies.

WTF?

If you give Tax Cuts to people who DON'T pay Income Taxes, isn't that just a Once a Year Welfare Check from the Government?

The Best Mugshot

I saw this on Perez Hilton and laughed my ass off!

You must see this on Perezhilton.com: http://perezhilton.com/2008-10-09-mugshot-hall-of-fame-why-you-smiling


We can't tell if this bitch is crazy or just evil.

Police arrested 52 year-old Maverna Theresa Turay on Wednesday in Manatee County and charged her with aggravated battery with great bodily harm.

According to reports, Turay was arrested after she poured scalding hot water on her husband's groin!!!

OUCH!

Apparently she boiled the water and threw it on her hubby's groin while he was sleeping.

Talk about a bad way to wake up!

The guy sustained second degree burns and ran out of the house yelling while a relative was able to call 911.

Turay is currently being held at Manatee County jail on $7,500 bond.

As for the husband, he was flown to a Tampa hospital for treatment.

However, Turay did not give a reason for her actions, but did admit she had been drinking.

Crazy drunk!

Breaking News?

People Magazine has Clay Aiken on the cover of next week's issue. Clay is talking about his new baby and the fact that is is GAY.

Yep, he's out.

Now, we all knew this, say about three years ago?

How many is too many.

How many Barbies can one family have. I just picked up the last Barbie shoe from the girls room and counted. We have 34 Barbies, that includes Barbie Mermaids and Man Barbies.

Do you count them as a whole Barbie if they are missing a limb?

And why are they always naked? We have LOTS of Barbie clothes. We even got new Man Barbie clothes. I think they are from the Kevin Federline section of the Pimp your Man Barbie clothing line. Hoodie sweatshirt, big white RUN DMC unlaced plastic shoes, sagging pants.

Escalade and Crack pipe not included.

The Grinch took it.

Lets go back to last December. I put the girls to bed and then my husband and I took down the Christmas tree. It was a real tree. (FREE to military families!) So when we finished with the ornaments, we took the tree outside and put it by the road. The garbage truck came early the next morning so there was no evidence of a tree.

That morning, the girls woke up and the little one asked where was the tree. She kept asking and asking so I just said "The Grinch took it". We had been watching the Grinch video the entire Holiday Season so it was the first thing that came to mind.

Well, if I had known the chaos that statement would cause, I would have told her the snow fairy took it.

She told everyone we met "THE GRINCH TOOK MY CHRISTMAS TREE." The lady at Target, the Mother's Day Out teacher, random people on the street, our waitress at LuLu's.

She was totally freaked out by the fact that her tree was gone. Maybe it was the fact that the Grinch was in her house and she didn't invite him... I don't know.

She is still telling people that The Grinch too her Christmas Tree.

SO, since my husband will be deploying to Afghanistan before Christmas, I am on the search for a large, fake Christmas tree. I am also going to make a HUGE card and put on the box.

Guess what the card will read?????

Merry Christmas
From the Grinch!

Second Grade Spelling Test

I was checking the homework file and found the spelling test for this week. One of the words was worried. She spelled it WHORED. At least he handwriting was neat.

Breaking News from Vegas

They are picking a jury for the OJ hotel football memorialabeila heist.

Just thought I would let you know. Since there are only two, maybe three people in left in the United States that give a shit about the double murderer.

MONDAY!

I am looking forward to Monday.

The Dog Funeral was nice and sweet. Kind words for a loyal dog. We are going to plant a nice fruit tree near him and put his collar on the tree.

No, I don't want a dog anytime soon. I think I want to wait until we are finished potty training the little one and THEN worry about house breaking a puppy.

It's going to be lonely in the backyard.

Our Dog Died.

It's a very sad time around our house. Our Chocolate Lab, Jeb, died sometime today. We were in Destin and when we got back this evening, I sent the 10 year old out to feed the dog, just like she does most evenings. I knew things were bad when she came into the house screaming and crying. She said Jeb wouldn't move. When I checked on him he was definately gone.

Then I called the husband. He is still in Destin, fished today. Fishing tomorrow. He had me walk out and check on the dog again. He assured me that it would be ok if we just cover the dog for the night. He's close to 100 lbs. I can't move him by myself. Going to have the dog funeral tomorrow afternoon.

I truly believe that he knew Hurriane Ike was coming this way and knew he wouldn't be able to make the evacuation trip so he passed on to God's great marshland.

Now, I am able to find the humor in all things, this included.

The oldest was crying and asking about a funeral. She wanted to know "who all is coming to the funeral". Just like a true southern girl. Then we all circled up around the dog and gave him one last ear rub and covered him with a sheet. Then we said a prayer and each said something nice about the dog. At that time the oldest asked if we could ask the Priest at church tomorrow to say a prayer for the dog. Then the middle one asked if they could ask Father Mike to pray for the dog at Morning Devotions Monday. I assured them that it would be ok to ask them.

Now, I just had a question from the middle one. Where are we going to bury him and when we move, how will we move him. When I told her we would not move him, she cried and said "what if the people who buy our house don't take care of him?".

It's going to be a long Sunday.

And I was the only one this evening who DIDN'T drink.

Lord have mercy.

Ike and Tina

I have officially renamed the next hurricane to F#@k up my life. I am now referring to the storm as Ike and Tina.

Can you think of two other Crackheads who could come into your life and screw it up? I didn't think so.

So, now I am watching this storm. I don't want to wish any more heartache on the State of Louisiana, but damn, I don't want any part of an evacuation.

So Ike and Tina need to take their big winds and Keep on Blowing all the way to Texas.

Bitch Moan Complain

Evacuees not happy with their shelter. OK, what's your option? Save money so when you have to evacuate again, and it will happen again, you can afford a hotel room. Maybe get a job and save some money to buy a car.

Here's something new. PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY. Ever heard of it? Oh, your from New Orleans, that explains it.

GIMME GIMME GIMME. Maybe they can find Blanco and she can make them some Peanut Butter Sandwiches.

Nothing short of a free car, free 4 star hotel and free hot meals will do.... of course, they will find something to complain about. Not enough free shampoo, needed more towels.... it's always something.

Proud to be a Baby Daddy.

People never cease to amaze me. Driving the girls to school this morning I got behind a late model chevy suv. There was a spare tire on the back with a personalized spare tire cover.

This one had two sentences on it. It said. "I put it in my wife" "I'll keep it in my life." The first sentence was around the top of the wheel. In the middle was a photo of a 2-3 year old African American boy. Then the second sentence was under the photo.

What the hell? I put it in my wife. I'll keep it in my life.

That's a new one. Proud of NOT abandoning your kid.

That's why I am voting Republican!

Pack up that tamale stand and hit the road!

I can't believe what some people say. It just makes me angry, MUCHO Angry!

Apparently a factory in Mississippi was raided and 600 (that's six hundred) people were detained to check their legal status in this country. Now, the corporate offices were raided too. GOOD! The suits who knowingly hired these people should be prosecuted too.....

BUT


The best part of the story was the list of comments from the "workers". One said "we are being treated like criminals".

HEY ROBERTO! ILLEGAL-O. + WORKER-O. = JAIL-O. COMPRENDO!?

They were complaining about the pregnant wives of these detained workers. Families torn apart.

Yeah, spare me. In this day and age if you are illegal, be prepared to board the bus and haul your shit back to Mexico.

Now, don't misunderstand me. I love a good tamale. I understand that this country is a HUGE melting pot of cultures. I believe that everyone deserves a chance for a better life, but if I have to live by the letter of the law, you should too, Roberto.

Neutralization

My 10 year old came home from school today and told me about her field trip next month. She said they are going to the Courthouse to watch some people become citizens and be "neutralized".

Sometimes you do need to listen to the words carefully!

Hey, Baby, Where's the Kevlar?

Sometimes I forget just how different my life is from everyone else.

I put my big girl panties on just like everyone else, but when your spouse is in the military, things are just a little different.

It's was Monday morning. 7:20 a.m. I have the three girls dressed, lunches made, bags packed, teeth brushed, shoes tied and hearding them toward the car when I hear this statement:

"Hey, have you seen my Geneva Convention Card and my pocketknife?"

I just looked at my husband and said "What?".

He repeated the question.

My reply:

"Are you being dropped behind enemy lines today? If not, I can find it later."

Yep, just the regular conversations couples have in the morning.

Where is Jim Cantore?

Just got back from the store buying storm supplies.

Tropical Storm Fay can't seem to find a path. I kind of feel sorry for the hurricane trackers. The projected path looks like a Spirograph drawing. Lots of loops and loops and loops.

I turned on to the weather channel today and there were 3 guys and one girl sitting around talking about the "worst storm they have been in". When Jim Cantore and three other weather nerds are not even on a beach watching the storm, it's no big deal.

SO...

I made my last Winn Dixie run of the day. I came home with three types of beer, Copenhagen snuff for the man of the house, candy for the kids and an US magazine, The Enquirer and The Examiner!

I'm ready for that Bitch Fay to show up!

Hup side out

I had a crazy moment this morning. I got up, got kids fed. Everyone was dressed, lunches made, folders signed, diapers changed, lights out, strapped into the car, on the way to school. It took me about 10 minutes to realize my shirt was on inside out. It wasn't a t-shirt. It was a short sleeved polo knit.

I realized it about the same time that Lucy and Ethel sitting in the way back seat noticed it. Then la petite in the middle seat started yelling, "hup side out".

So, that's my Thursday morning.

Oh, the hurricane in the atlantic, is going to turn back over Florida and into the gulf and back into the panhandle of Florida.

SO, have a great weekend. It's apparently going to be raining here.

Pulling the Jesus Card

I LOVE the new carpool rules at the school. LOVE, LOVE, LOVE them! Of course, I complained all last year about the lack of rules and enforcement. We received a letter at home outlining the new rules. They are great and are there to keep our children safe.

I couldn't quite understand the moms who parked illegally, jaywalked across the street, in front of traffic and between cars in the carpool line to pick up their kids. Then they turn around with their child, walk between cars in the carpool line, cross the street in traffic and get in their illegally parked cars.

You know, we all pay the same tuition. I don't remember seeing the "Tuition plus VIP" area of the admissions statement. You know that VIP section that allows you to do whatever you want because you "pay tuition".

Apparently there was an issue on Tuesday, the first day of school. Now, who in their right mind expects the carpool line to flow perfectly the first day of school? OK, now, add the new carpool rules AND new parents to the school. You are looking at a 30min carpool wait, at the very least.

Wednesday we received a note home from school. It AGAIN outlined the rules and made some changes.

My favorite sentence in the entire letter reads like this:

For the safety of all, please allow the staff members to do their assigned tasks without giving them harsh words. We are a Christian school.

Yes, they did it. They pulled the Jesus card!

I love it.

B14- bitchez

I am recovering nicely from Drag Queen Bingo last night. I went with two other Navy wives to the every Friday event.

Last week I saw an advertisement for Drag Bingo at The Other Side. It's on the other side of the Gay Bar, "Emerald City", which is owned by the same guy who owns Oz in the French Quarter.

Anyway.....

We had a blast. Got drunk.

From 6-8 on Friday nights they have drag bingo called by Lauren Mitchell, who was probably at one time called Larry.

I won bingo on the first card and tied with two other guys. The tie breaker was to drink a nasty shot of three different things and then drink a beer with a straw. Whoever finished first won the $20 bar tab. I lost and was completely drunk by 7p.m. While I was losing the race drinking my beer through a straw, my friend said "she doesn't know how to suck" and we were immediately best friends of the bar patrons.

We drank half price martinis and played bingo for two hours. We sat and chatted with the "Guys" for another two hours and then walked to a nearby restaurant and ate. By then, we had sobered up enough to get home.

We are going back again. Next Saturday, the 80's teen sensation "Tiffany" will be performing at midnight. Apparently she has a HUGE Gay following.

Right now I need to go and drink a lot of water, take another Advil.

Ghost Seekers of Texas

OK, I am officially a ghost seeker. I took Lucy and Ethel to the Lighthouse for a Ghost Seeker tour. It was great.

We get ready to start the tour and the head seeker, Rocky, introduces himself. I am a little freaked because all day the Petite Hurricane has been talking about her invisible friend named Rocky! She hasn't ever talked about a friend named Rocky until today.... so that was a little weird.

We get our instructions and are divided into three groups. Each group is given three separate devices. I had the Electro Voice Recorder thing. It is supposed to record voices that we can't hear. One family had a device to check the temprature in various parts of the room. The other family had a device that beeped when it sensed a spirit. It beeped a few times.

We spent an hour in the lighthouse keepers house and the lighthouse. I saw the bloodstain that never comes out of the wood. Freaky! Lucy heard some tapping in one of the upstairs bedrooms.

The basement was where I was most uncomfortable. It was very dark. We had one flashlight and all our "equipment". They said that there had been some activity in that room. I think something touched my arm. I thought it was my shirt sleeve, but then Lucy said something tickled her arm and it was cold. Yep, I suggested to our tour guide that it was time to move on up to the lighthouse.

We got to the lighthouse keepers room and it was really weird. That is the room where they have found the "spirits" of two small children. That is where our guide told us to all be very quiet and we would take turns asking the spirits questions. I had to hold the recorder in the center of the room and we asked questions.

When the Guide suggested that we make an "energy circle" and ask the spirits to move an object, I had to say no. I was freaked enough, but, Lucy and Ethel were all over the energy circle idea. They won't be able to sleep tonight, but were all about th "energy circle" to call the spirits.

They are trying to plan a trip back in October for Halloween. It was worth the money (donated to the restoration of the lighthouse) and fun to spend time with just the older girls.

I promise, I won't be on tv "swearing on a stack of Gideon Bibles" that I saw a spirit, but some of those rooms were just plain creepy. And I can't wait to go back. Wanna go with me?

I took lots of photos. Did you notice the orbs in the photo? I am going to send them to the Ghost Seekers for further investigation.

Tank Boy

They were showing photos of Chinese landmarks and one was Tiananmen Square. I can't look at that building without thinking of that famous photo.

The one where the lone Chinese Man is standing in front of four tanks. No one knows this mans name. Did he live? Was he arrested? Nothing.

Hey China!

I just watched the opening ceremonies of the Olympic Games. It was a very interesting showcase of lights, fireworks and synchronization.

In fact, it kind of reminded me of some of those old movies from Nazi Germany prior to WWII. Or those videos on You Tube of the dancing prisoners in orange jumpsuits.

Our 10 year old asked me why there were only men participating in the drum portion of the show. I tried to explain but then my husband finally said "women are considered property". No more questions from the 10 year old. At least it wasn't the "what's a lesbian" question I got from the 7 year old the other night.

The costumes were beautiful. It would have been an amazing show if I had not been thinking about the millions of Chinese people who are suffering and starving, living in mud huts not up to earthquake code.

Waffle House Wedding. Can we get extry syrrrup on that.

Who doesn't love a summer wedding.


http://gwinnettdailypost.mycapture.com/mycapture/enlarge.asp?userphoto=&imag
e=19541945&event=&CategoryID=


Bride, Groom, Their nose picking kids, Biker Shirt clad groomsmen, a few boxes of Marlboro Reds, a pregnant bridesmaid, plastic milk crates for seats, plastic champagne flutes and a Waffle House.

Thanks, Judith. You Rock!

Untame My Heart at the American Legion Hall

I have to thank Julie and Carrie for this.

I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE wedding announcements. The freakier the better. I have added my comments in italics.

ENJOY!


June 29, 2008

On the 12th of April 2008, Miss Jennifer Marie Cloud of Monroe, La. was married to Mr. Francois Carstens of Stellenbosch, South Africa on the grounds of Forsythe Park and the American Legion Hall in Monroe.

The bride and groom shared a secret breakfast where he gave her roses to remember the occasion of the day. All of the bridal party were chauffeured to the wedding in a long white limousine, heightening the expectation of the moment for all. The bride arrived with her father and mother, the Rev. and Mrs. Richard D. Cloud and the maid of honor, Julienne L. Cloud together, sharing their deep affection with each other as they kept the bride hidden until her unveiling before the groom.

Didn't he just give her roses at a secret breakfast?


All of the groomsmen laid hands on Francois and prayed for their best friend before his wedding and the bridesmaids came over to the limo and got in and did the same for Jennifer. What a blessed group of young people they are, no one could have asked for better lifelong friends!

OK, you can "lay on hands" as long as you provide beverages also.

The Best Man was Mr. Tertius Carstens, the groom’s brother. The Groomsmen were Mr. Gibbethon Wynne, Mr. Loujean Philander, Mr. Gunter Titus, and Mr. WP Bloem, all of South Africa. The Usher was Mr. Chris Coleman.

These are white people.

The Maid of honor was Miss Julienne Cloud, the bride’s sister. The bridesmaids were Miss Christine White, Miss Lyndsey Breard, Mrs. Traci Cline and Mrs. Leigh Wagner.

The worship team, from Kansas City’s IHOP, played for over an hour before the wedding so others could worship as God came and washed over the crowd ~ a spirit of bridal intimacy was surely present from our Bridegroom King. We invited all the heavenly hosts of heaven and of course, King Jesus Himself, for it wouldn't truly be a blessed wedding without them in attendance. I am sure all the angels in heaven took a moment in time to come and rejoice with us all at the foreshadowing of the great marriage feast to come when we will all be together again, as we celebrate as the bride of Christ and our Beloved Jesus as the Groom.

Oh...........Come Lord Jesus Come!

Oh, My. There is only so much I can say about the preceeding paragraph. I am only left to assume that Kansas City's IHOP is International House of Prayer and not Pancakes, but I could be wrong. I am almost without words for the rejoycing and foreshadowing of the bride of Christ, except to say CAN I GET AN AMEN!

The wedding tent was draped with white fabric on the ceiling blowing gently in the wind. The Rev. Michael Tharpe celebrated the marriage under a flowered gazebo with twinkle lights. The parents, Dr. and Mrs. Peter Carstens and grandparents, Mr. and Mrs. Duane Cloud and Mrs. Pat Wagner, were ushered in to the song “Fragrant Offering”, sung by Michelle Tharpe.

The three flower girls, Misses Michaela Tharpe, Danna Walker, and Sarah Wagner, came dancing down the aisle to the song "Untame My Heart" ~ it was glorious. They truly worshipped the Lord with childlike innocence around the gazebo while tossing yellow flower petals with sweet abandoned beauty.

The groomsmen ushered in the bridesmaids to the theme from "Ever After" in their black tuxedos with gold vests and ties, and the royal blue bridesmaid's dresses were lovely and classy ~ simply elegant.

Abandoned Beauty, yep, that's what I think of with Toni Braxton's music. OK, Untame My Heart and the theme from "Ever After"? How old are these kids, 16? It was the theme from "Ice Castles" when I was a teenager, but that was 20 years ago.


As the music swelled and the curtains were pulled back ~ everyone stood and gazed upon the bride, in her spectacular dropped waist, ivory, satin, ‘Allure’ wedding gown, embroidered with crystals on a chiffon overlay.

What a glorious bride she was ~ such a beautiful girl ~ the bride of Christ embodied before us all ~ in purity and holiness ~ she took our breath away. And nothing is as sweet as seeing a groom who is truly in love and enraptured with his bride, weep at the sight of his betrothed, walking regally down the aisle to meet him at the altar.

Folks, Is this sounding like an Fundamentalist Latter Day Saints wedding. Bride of Christ embodied before us.

Scriptures and an excerpt from Francois' love letters were read, then the bride made her way over to the piano and sang to her beloved groom and her Beloved Jesus. It was awesome.

I guess it is safe to assume his love letters didn't say "hey baby, lets get naked and jump in the pond after prayer meeting Wednesday night".

Following this part the bride and groom tied their promise rings of purity together with a ribbon, symbolizing their union on their wedding day ~ now becoming one under Christ. I think this swept up the whole congregation as they prayed touching foreheads and thanked the Lord for His faithfulness ~ what a witness those two are to all who witnessed this blessed event!

Gibbethon, a groomsmen, sang the processional in Afrikaans ~ "Come Jesus, Come”, while the entire bridal party danced up the aisle, rejoicing and hugging, including the grandparents and parents.

Everyone at the reception had their faces painted, African style, with little white dots in intricate designs. The children were all given angel wings and I saw some of the adults wearing them too, so cute. There were fireflies twinkling, fire-pits roaring and water fountains bubbling. The whole park seemed to come alive with twinkle lights and lanterns, tropical plants, tents, a photo booth and cabanas.

I heard that Jesus and the other Brides of Christ really dig photo booths.

In the American Legion Hall, there hung golden South African lanterns swagged over a tall display of fruit and flowers in the center of the room. There was old style jazz music in the jazz tent, and delicious food under a pavilion. It was a magical reception hidden in fantasy and mystery.

The bride's cake was a five-tiered square white cake with white orchids and sugar grapes cascading down the sides. Hanging over the cake were white orchids, floating in the air. The piping on the cake was passages of love poetry taken from the 'Song of Solomon' in the Bible, written both in English and Afrikaans.

The groom’s cake was a circular three-tiered cake in delicious dark chocolate, with white piping that echoed the African face painting. Tuxedo strawberries cascaded down its sides, and the flowers by the groom's cake were pincushion pro-teas, flowers native to the cape in South Africa.

The bride and groom drove away in a sapphire blue convertible after exiting through a double row of sparklers to cheers and hugs from all.

It was a glorious wedding ~ a night to remember ~ and a match made in heaven, as Jennifer and Francois entered in to married life together, under the stars, with all the people they love.

Democrat Phone Calls

I thought we were on a do not call list or is that only for people selling things?

The Democratic Party just popped up on my caller I.D.

I let the 3 year old answer the phone. I told her it was my mother, her Gram.

She talked and talked about the pool and the beach. She finally brought the phone back to me and said "they said bye".

My own Call Blocker.

Cheesus Chrunch!

A lady found a Cheeto shaped like Jesus on the Cross.

She said she was upset because she was fat and she asked God to help her and then lo and behold (insert chorus of angels singing here) she pulled a crucifix shaped cheeto out of the bag.

She hasn't eaten a cheeto since then.

Everyone please stand and join me in our next hymn.

What a friend we have in Cheetos.
Light and crunchy, on our lips.
How we love to snack on Cheetos.
cheese on our fingers, fat on hips.

Young and old all love their Cheetos.
Who can--nnnn resist that cheeta's groove?
Grab a bad and sing the praises.
I think the Heavenly Father would approve.

AMEN

I knew all those years as a baptist would pay off one day.

13 years

I was married 13 years ago today. That was three kids, two mortgages, two military moves and a lot of lb's ago.

We have the same wedding anniversary as Prince Charles and Princess Diana, if the Prince hadn't fooled around with the horsey woman. It was the whole, wishing he was a tampon, story that turned me to Team Diana. I got up at 4 a.m. to watch that wedding. It was fabulous!

I remember telling the florist that I wanted my bouquet to be "unstructured, with vines, greenery and lillies and make sure it is Princess Diana Big". And it was... Big. In fact I remember when she gave it to me it was heavy. They had to duct tape the handle it was so big.... but it was fantastic!

Mamma Mia! Please Don't Let James Bond Sing.

I saw Mamma Mia last night. It was really good. It was not something the Husband would like, but it was funny and the music was great.

It helps to enjoy a cute, silly, funny, not gonna make you think movie musical if you have had a few glasses of red wine.

The wine also helps to tolerate Pierce Brosnan's singing. He tries. He looks like he's in pain when he is singing, but he tries. I will forever think of Pierce in Pain when I hear S.O.S.

It was like watching one of the first weeks of American Idol. You know when the sad people are trying to win a spot. You want them to stop singing because they are so bad, but you can't stop watching because you can't believe some one who sings THAT BAD is actually auditioning. (My personal favorite was the Boy singing Like a Virgin.)

I have decided that they are the ones who don't have a mother, because any GOOD mother would look at their child and say "Baby, I love you and you are great, but you can't sing."

That's James Bond. The boy who tries to sing, but just falls short.

So, go out to eat with a bunch of chicks. Drinks a few glasses of red wine and go see the movie. You will love it.

I'm a Magnet!

I don't know what it is, but the freaks flock to me.

We parked the minivan in the parking lot at the military exchange complex. Making a quick beer run on a Sunday, on our way home from church. Sinners we are, yes sir-ree.

A white Trailblazer parked next to me with some grey haired old people in Hawaiian shirts. It would have been just another suv full of military retirees except for the Zebra stripes on the ENTIRE vehicle. The girls were squealing. They loved it.

When the suv pulled out I got a good look at the tailgate. It had large writing. 4-5 inch black lettering. It read

Gene Morris
World's Greatest Long Spear Thrower

I am a little bummed out.

I would totally have asked him about his long spear.

You Have Mail

This is an email I sent to my friend Kerry today.

Subject: hey
>
> I have found the baby tent for Holly and was going to drop it off. Is she home this weekend?
>
> I needed to show her how to open it up. It's not difficult, but tricky.
>
> Kids are driving me nuts today. Jay took the day off to fish. I think he wanted to escape from the three idiots we call kids.
>
> I cracked the whip today and canceled the playdates and sleepover because everything I told them to put away was shoved under the beds.
>
> Yep, I lost my shit this a.m.
>
> We are almost out of toilet paper so when King Neptune comes home this afternoon, I am going to get out of this nuthouse.

It was just a scratch!

Some people think that we will believe anything. I guess they think we have shit for brains.

This guy, needs to get out of town.

Apparently a local Officer of the Law went to get a massage. Sometime durring the massage, he took off his towel and started to pleasure himself. The maseuse called the police and he was arrested.

Not long after the arrest, this Officer's lawyer made a statement saying that everyone has blown this out of porportion. He was not pleasuring himself. He was scratching.

YEP, that was some itch.

Dude, resign, take a long vacation and get a night job stacking the shelves at Home Depot.

Free Counter

Name our Boat

We need to name our boat. It's not anything fancy, but we love it. The girls have noticed that the other boats we see have names. They think it's time for ours to have a name.

I heard that Walter Cronkite had a sailboat named Assignment and when he was not on the evening news the person filling in for him said "Walter Cronkite is on Assignment". The viewers assumed he was working on a project. Apparently he was on his sailboat.

SO, we are looking for clever names for this boat.

The girls ideas are well, girlie.

The Royal Yacht
3 Princesses
4 chicks and a doc (that was mine)
On Call
The O.R.
Scrubbed In
Beeper Free

If you have any ideas, add them.

Boat People

Have you noticed that when you ride in a boat you wave, a lot?

No, we don't know any of the other people on the boats, but we wave.

Like kids in a parade. We wave at fishing boats, sailboats, kayaks and charter boats. We even wave at the tug boats pushing barges and people eating at restaurants along the water. We get real excited and wave with both hands if we see a dog on a boat.

It's like there is some unwritten code of the Intercostal Waterway.

Have Boat, Must Wave!

Call me on my Cell

After living in Pensacola for a year I have learned that the homeless like this climate too.

In fact, many of the homeless ride bikes. EVERYWHERE. They put the plastic milk crates on the front as baskets. Some even decorate them with Mardi Gras beads.

My theory, if they can ride bikes, they can find a job, somewhere. But then there's that whole mental illness thing. BUT, there is a free clinic here for that. BUT there is that whole smelly thing. BUT, there is a place for them to shower. BUT there is the dirty clothes thing. BUT there is a group that goes around and distributes clean clothes. BUT enough of that.

I volunteered to go with two good Episcopalian Women to attend a meeting of local religious and other organizations that help feed the homeless. What I found out was that there is a meal for the homeless every day in Pensacola, Florida. It's available to those who are hungry.

So..... my new friend was driving one morning and saw this homeless lady on the street. She had seen her before and stopped and offered her a ride.... YES, we have all told her to NEVER do that again since she is probably 95 lbs soaking wet.

OK, she tells the lady about the various meals available and the lady tells her that she has gone to that one too many times and that she is not eligible for the other one, yada yada yada.

Then my friend tells her that our church group is going to have a meal for the homeless this summer and she can check the message boards at the shelters to find out what day.

Homeless lady then says "LET ME GIVE YOU MY CELL PHONE NUMBER AND YOU CAN CALL ME WITH THE INFORMATION".

Yes people, this "homeless" lady has a cell phone.

Does anyone else find this disturbing?

Lily White Chicago. Where's Jake and Elwood?

One afternoon, on our recent trip to Chicago, I drove around the Northern suburbs. Winnetka, Lake Forest, Highland Park. The houses are amazing. The Towns are clean and neat with modern, stone, English looking train stations. Lots of hybrids and luxury suv's. The Jewish were driving German cars (yep, I have a problem with that one too). The flowers were blooming. My 2 1/2 year old was napping. Everything should have been right with the world. There was one problem.

Where's 21 year old Sha'nay'nay and her 4 babies? Where's the PWT with the confederate flag in the truck window? Where are the "undesirables". The panhandlers. The homeless sleeping on the street. The ones that make you cringe when you see them. The ones who are living paycheck to paycheck. One natural disaster away from living in a shelter. The ones who give us a reality check every time we see them.

POOF!

I had my Oprah light bulb moment. (Appropriate since we were in Chicago.) I get it. I now understand why so many Northern Suburbanites vote Democrat and can't understand why cynical Southerner smirks at the idea that"public schools are great".

The only way they see Sha'nay'nay and Joe Bob and Bubba and homeless vet and the one legged beggar is if Sha'nay'nay and the white supremacists take a wrong turn off the Edens Expressway. Rarely, if ever, do they see the fraud, waste and abuse of the welfare system. Their kids go to a great public school where the other kids don't "ax" them a question.

I had entered a new dimension. The Lily White Suburbs. Highland Park, IL - 91.2% white, 1.87% black. There could have been African Americans there. I didn't see any for most of that week. But they could have lived there.

There were multi-million dollar homes on every corner. What do these people do? Forget drug dealing, these folks must be running guns? Financial Markets? Lawyers? Doctors? Certainly not working the night shift at the local factory.

The closest thing to thugs were some over 50 hippies getting on the train to ride to the Ravinia Festival concert featuring Willie Nelson. The Bandanna gave them away.

Don't get me wrong. We had a great time. My brother-in-law has a great big Greek family. They are fun and inviting and we enjoy being around them. We even picked up a few Greek words while we were there. I can say shoes and watermelon in Greek.

AND... we will go back again. In the Summer. When it's nice and pretty. Forget the Chicago winters. I will take the Gulf Coast heat and humidity any day of the week. At least we can find a shade tree, a pool and an adult beverage to cool off.

We also learned a few new things and isn't that what family vacations are all about.

I learned that I am glad that I have seen the South in so many ways. I am glad that as a child, my Dad took me to Lindy West's house to buy tamales. The first time I set foot in an African American's home. I saw a plaque that had a photo of MLK, Jr., JFK and a Black Jesus. Black Jesus. Well, if we think he's white I guess Lindy can think he's black.

I am glad that my husband told me some of the stories of his 6 years of surgery residency in a charity hospital. I realized that, regardless of skin color, some people are just going to be pathetic and trashy and there is nothing you can do about it.

I have learned that sometimes you just have to shake your head, laugh, get up, put on your big girl panties and deal with it.

Now Sha'nay'nay, you go get Bubba, get your ass back in the car and lets get back to the South before you start asking the waitress at the Cracker Barrel for a Soda.

I Poured the Wine, She Cut the Cheese

I stopped at the Flora Bama to pick up a t-shirt and some CD's for a friend in Afghanistan. Who wants to go to Afghanistan without a Flora-Bama Do It On the Line T-Shirt? Not me!

I picked up a CD by Rusty McHugh and laughed all the way home. OK, so it's a 10 minute drive from my house to the Flora Bama, but I drove slow.

I couldn't resist with the names of some of the songs. I Poured the Wine (She Cut the Cheese), Old Milwaukee - An Ugly Woman - and a Crappy Bag of Pot, Tequila Makes My Clothes Fall Off, Too Sunburned to Screw, We All Love a Woman With a Big Ole Ass, You Don't Have to be Happy to be Gay, White People's Party, Daddy's Naked and Up On the Waterslide.....

I think my favorite title is She Put a Louisiana Liplock on My Alabama Porkchop.

You get the idea. It's not a G rated sing along.

Maybe if you are lucky you will be on my Christmas List and receive a CD as a gift!

www.payplay.fm/rustymchugh1


In that same line of off color humor, I also bought the CD with the title

Big Earl Sings The Classics
16 Hilarious Songs That Will Have You Laughing Your Ass Off
You Damn Right!

These are a few of Earl's bests.

There's a Critter Up My Shitter
Wish I Was Hung Like My Brother

Yes folks, I can find some fine beach music.

One reason why I like Barak Obama (but I am still not going to vote for him)

In one sentence he managed to publicly dismiss Jesse Jackson and make him look like the insignificant racist jackass that he is.

Thank you Senator Obama.

Roadside Food Tour of Louisiana AKA artery clogin' highway

I arrived home on the FL gulf coast with a car load of dirty clothes, grumpy girls and foods from every corner of Louisiana.

It all started with a Watermelon.

A Saline, Louisiana melon. I picked it up in Dodson, Winn Parish for all you foreigners. We didn't eat it because Mom had two other ones.

So I brought it home.

Along with a Jar of Momsey's homemade bread and butter pickles and two tomatoes from her plants.

I picked up a Jar of Peach preserves and Peach salsa at the Peach orchard.

On the way home today, I stopped at the fruit stand and bought a box of peaches and butter beans....

but wait, that's not all.....

I stopped at Lea's to get two pies. Chocolate and Pecan. Yum!

When I got to Krotz Springs I stopped at Billy's to get Boudin. I can't resist that silly sign with the pig that says "BOUDIN AND CRACKLIN". I was tempted by the large tubs of iced long neck beers.

Instead, I got two fried boudin balls and 2$ worth of cracklins, or fried pig according to daughter in the middle.

If there had been a roadside attraction for the largest congealed square of hogs head cheese and biggest corn dog on a stick, I think we would have stopped there too.

But I did make it home from my week at the Peach Festival with the Rustonians. It was fun. I will add more later.

I'm tired and my stomach is a little upset from the cracklins, but they were soooooo good.

AIIIEEEE!

Jehovas Witness

We managed to make if from the Gulf Coast to Evansville, Indiana in one day. It was a long drive, but not too traumatic.

It's 10 p.m. on a Saturday night. We are all tired. Looking for a hotel room. We can't find one.

Finally we get one at a Days Inn or something like that. One King bed, one sleeper sofa for 5 people. Done, we will take it.

Apparently we stop in the only town in the UNITED STATES that is having a Jehovas Witness convention.

The only room available has an octagonal window cut out in the wall between the shower and the bedroom.

I could be taking a shower/whirlpool tub and reach out into the bedroom. I think we got the low rent version of the Honeymoon Suite.

Kinky Midwesterners!

IT'S NOT FUNNNNNYYYYYY..... STOP LAUGHING.....

OK, it really was.... really funny.

First of all let me start by saying if there is a Cracker Barrel that where we haven't eaten or used the bathroom in Indiana, Tennessee or Alabama, find it....

We can walk in and know the daily special without looking at the menu.

Anyway. On our way back from Chicago, we stopped in Nashville Saturday to spend the night. Got up early Sunday. Dressed nice and drove to Sewanee, TN. Stopped at The University of the South to attend church and let Dr. Papa show the High Maintenance Trio where he went to college. It was a great morning. They loved it.

We get on the road and stop at, yes, a Cracker Barrel at South Pittsburg, Tennessee. Sit down and order drinks and food.

Let me preface this by saying all week Petite Houdini has been wiggling her way out of her car seat straps. No amount of tightening the straps will hold her into the seat.

So, we are sitting at the table and the petite one says "I'm Stuck". I respond with a "yes you are. You are strapped into the high chair."

Well, PH starts to scream "I'm Stuck". I look over and she has managed to push both her elbows through the slats of her high chair and they ARE stuck. I immediately say a few four letter words and tell Dr. Papa that she is stuck. Then I start to giggle.

The Petite is now crying and screaming. Dr. Papa is trying to dislodge her elbows from the sturdy wooden highchair.

Well, sitting next to us is the Regional Manager for Cracker Barrel. She jumps up and goes into crisis mode. She tells our waitress to grab a bag of ice.

Now, I have to tell you our waitress looked and talked just like Anna Nicole's half sister. The blonde one who keeps giving interviews to Inside Edition. Cute but kinda slow.

SO, La Petite is still screaming and Lucy and Ethel have realized that their little sister's arms are stuck in the chair. They both start laughing hysterically. Pointing their fingers at her and laughing.

PH has had enough, her arms are stuck. Her sisters are laughing at her. She does what a 3 year old does, she screams "STOP LAUGHING AT ME". And what does that do to the sisters, they laugh even more. So she screams "IT'S NOT FUNNYYYYYYYYY".

At that time we all start laughing hysterically. Me, Dr. Papa, Lucy and Ethel. Crying we were laughing so hard.

Apparently we were the only people in the store who thought this was funny. I got quite a few ugly looks from some old bitty.

It was 2:30 p.m. on a beautiful Sunday afternoon in the Tennessee mountains. We were traveling, what was her excuse for being at the Cracker Barrel scarfing down a dumpling platter.

Anyway, it took about a minute and a half to free the Petite Houdini from her bondage and we made it home without another incident.

Now, who wants to sign up for our next vacation?

Wicked

While we were in Chicago I took Lucy and Ethel to see Wicked. It really was a great musical. They loved it. I loved it. Bought the CD and t-shirts.

Ten minutes into the show Ethel said "so, they don't like her because she's green? That's not a reason."

Great, the 7 year old got it and now we can go home....

Big Jim's Boobie Bungalow

I swear. It was a billboard on I-65 in Southern Tennessee.

Big Jim's Boobie Bungalow.

Those two words together are just too funny. Boobie Bungalow.

I guess he could have gone with Big Tom's Tittie Teepee.

I love Tennessee!

Bears at the Beach

There was a story on the news a few nights ago about a Black Bear in Navarre. It had been going through the neighborhood garbage at night.

The nice young Lincoln Navigator driving family was surprised that the beast going through their garbage was not the Raccoon they thought, but a Black Bear. When the husband went out to check on the noise, he found a large bear on his driveway. They took photos of the Bear and called the Police.

The Game Warden was called and at the time of the story, the family was told there was nothing they could do about the bear. The terrified young woman with the two year old said "does someone have to die before they do something about this bear?".

Now, it took me about a second and a half to realize the error of their ways.

Had this happend in my backyard, there is NO DOUBT in my mind that this would be the conversation with the police department.

Sheriff's Dept: Escambia Sheriff's Dept.

My house: Yeah, I have a question, what if something has been in my garbage and when I went outside to check on some suspicious noises and I just happened to be cleaning my gun in my garage, and I live outside the city limits, near a swamp, and there was a Black Bear in my garbage and when I went outside to check on the noise, the bear lunged at me and I shot it.... It's ok for me to keep the Bear skin right?

Sheriff's Dept: Well, sir, if this happened, we will need to call the Game Warden....

My house: Oh, don't worry about it. It' really didn't happen. It was a What If question... I was just wondering ...... It was really a raccoon and I shot the kid's pellet gun and scared it off. No need to call anyone. Thank you for your time.

background voices before the phone disconnects..... Hey baby, get out there and wash the blood off the driveway. I am gonna put this bear in the freezer until I can get it to the taxidermist!

Click.

The MomOlympics

Because we are going to be bombarded by NBC Olympic coverage, I thought I would get a head start on my own version.

The MomOlympics

Under Track and Field we have the following categories:

The Webkinz Punt
This has two divisions; Distance and Accuracy
** Webkinz must be picked up with toes for the accuracy division.

A Sort and Fold relay.
This is a timed event. It can be a team sport when sorting, matching and folding socks are involved.

The Garbage Can Sprint
This is an early morning event. It is a sprint to get the large garbage can to the street before the truck arrives. This requires memory skills. The trucks may arrive any time between 6 and 8 a.m.

In the Gymnastics category we have the following:

The Diaper Change Wrestling Event
Extra points for accuracy and Butt Paste application.

The After School Ballet Dance of Death
This requires skill in dressing children in tights and leotards, feeding children, completing homework and twisting ballerina's hair into tight bun for dancing. AND doing it three times a week in a mini-van.

Please feel free to add any additional events you think are relevant to this competition.
I will add them to list and give credit where credit is due.

Harry Potter and Porn

They are burning books in Shreveport. Yes, the International House of Prayer, not to be confused with the International House of Pancakes, has declared that Harry Potter is just as bad as Porn. Maybe as addictive. I did read each book in a matter of days.

Nothing says I am an ignorant, crazy, bible beating zealot, dumbass better than burning children's books.

OCD? OMG! R U Serious?

If you follow LSU football you have heard that Ryan Perrilloux was dismissed from the team for... well you can fill in the blank for this one. I could be any number of things.

He was recently interviewed and said that he is suffering from OCD.

Really? OCD?

Sounds more like a COS, Crock Of Shit to me. He could have a bad case of SFB, Shit For Brains.


Maybe he could be suffering from IBS? Gas can make you do some pretty crazy things.

I thought that people with OCD would check the stove 20 times to make sure it was off. Didn't anyone see those crazy people on MTV's True Life I live with OCD? Am I the only one up with sick kids at 1 a.m.?

How f$cking stupid does he think we really are? Hey Rock Star, we DID attend class in college (without a scholarship) and call BS on that one.

I give him until Mid October he will have a serious attack of DAS, Dumb Ass Syndrome and be back at his mama's house.

Patsy, where are you when we need you?

It's dance recital time. Yep, that fun time of year when you go to numerous dress rehearsals. Buy extra pairs of tights in the special pima pink color because during one of the many rehearsals, sweet potato pie is going to trip on the stage stairs and rip a HUGE hole in the knee.

It's the time to stock up on 99 cent Eckerds hair gel and hair pins. We burn three gallons of gas and search all the drug stores for the "true red" color the dance instructors require. Only to be pissed off when my ballerina shows up with "true red" lips and third dancer from the right is standing there in streetwalker Ho Red..

I spend an hour on each daughter gelling and twisting their hair into the perfect bun. I apply just enough foundation make up to hold the soft pink cheek color. NOTE TO SELF - if you apply creme rouge to the cheeks with no foundation, the pink will stay there FOREVER!

I struggle to apply eyeliner and mascara. I beg them to not blink and then, yep, they blink and we start over with a q-tip and Mary Kay eye make up remover.

It's a total pain in the ass, but I can totally see why Pasty Ramsey would dress up little Jon Benet in baby formals and true red lips. I bet she had some secrets about applying mascara to a 5 year old.

I do have to say that it is fun watching the girls get so excited about dressing up in their costumes, applying the stage make up and stepping into the spotlight.

They LOVE it, so, I grab my "performance make up kit", run to the theater, take lots of photos and make a note in my Black Jack to buy two tubes of true red next time.

Not Crazy.

Ok, just when I thought the human race had lost their sense of humor I find this....

I was driving home in traffic two weeks ago. All the news that week had been about Clinton/Obama. Crazy Fundamentalist Mormons. Gas Prices that will make you cry. Your basic up beat feel good news story.

It had been a long week. It was 5:30. We were all tired and cranky. The girls were hungry. Sitting at the red light for another cycle I was trying to figure out what to cook. Realizing everything was frozen when I looked up at the SUV in front of me.

It was a large white late model Ford Bronco. The Alabama plates said "NOT OJ".

I laughed all the way home. Thank GOD for Alabamans with a sense of humor.

Who am I?

I have been having a small identity crisis. Not a big one. Just an almost forty, going to be moving again, husband probably going to be deployed, wondering when we will ever be in one town for more than three years crisis.

I bought the Maria Shriver book and have decided to take her advice. It's not what you do, but the person you are while you are doing it. Well, I am trying. I just keep repeating that to myself. Maybe I need to put it on a plaque. Paging Graffiti Chic......

SO, I get home and find my Mother's Day Gifts from school.

If you ever have a question about who you are, ask your seven year old.

Last week we were to send in a photo of ourselves to the first grade class. They were working on a Mother's Day project to display in the hallway.

On the table when I walked in I found a poster that said,

"I talk loud.
I love diet coke.
I ride my bike alot.
I have three kids.
Who am I?"

Inside was the photo of me.

I will take that description.... It could have been

"I forgot to bring snacks after school before dancing.
I embarrass my daughter by dancing to the music in department stores.
I never take my kids to the Perdido Kids Park.
I keep the extra beer in the fridge in the garage.
Who am I?"

Happy Mother's Day

I have a sick kid. I am not complaining. I spent the past 4 days at Hilton Head and touring Savannah. I can handle a little vomit.

I did get to eat lunch at Paula Deen's restaurant. No she wasn't there. I walked up and asked for a reservation for one and they seated me at the bar. Other's who had a party of 4 had to wait until 2:45 that afternoon. It was 11:15. I got lucky. It was great. Sat next to an old couple from West Palm Beach on their way back to New Jersey. On the other side of me was a couple and their daughter. She looked like she was about 9 or 10 and kept taking photos of her plate of food. Tourists!

I made my way back to the elevator. On the way down I asked the other people where they were from. Can you believe they were from Zwolle! I Swear. Hand to God. I go to Savannah. Eat lunch at The Lady and Sons and get caught on the elevator with a bunch of old people from Zwolle. Go Figure!?

Bikes and Beer

I saw a old guy riding his bike down Gulf Beach Highway with a case of beer strapped to the back.

I wonder if riding your bike to get beer cancels out the calories from the beer when you drink it?

Or he was just homeless with a bike.

Where da gold at?

Apparently there is a Leprechaun in Alabama.
Watch this You Tube video and then check out the website.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5vi35H9H4Og

www.wheredagoldat.com

Leprechauns are easy. Those Mobileians better stay on that side of the bay.

I have heard that here in West P'cola, Perdido and Lower Alabama we have had some sightings too. There is a team of researchers looking for a Bigfoot/Sasquatch in the Lower Alabama woods. Dead Cattle with their neck broken is the first sign. I don't think that Leroy's Magic Flute will scare him.

Someone has seen Polyphemus, the one eyed Cyclops from the Odyssey, sleeping on the barrier island. They threw some buoys at him and he ran away.

A Krackken has been spotted off the coast by a boat load of Cubans.

The Loch Ness Monster was spotted trying to tip a Dolphin sight seeing ship. The tourists threw some Twizzlers overboard and he disappeared.

A group of Nasty Mermaids were spotted near the Flora-Bama. They were looking for some weed. A bunch of Mississippi Rednecks waded out to hit on them, but the mermaids swam out to sea.

So, those Leprecrackheads need to stay in Mobile. They don't want any part of the water monsters here.

Women's Underwear

I was listening to Fox News on XM Radio one evening in the car and heard where some Wal Mart corporate employees were in trouble.

They called it Corporate Shenanigans. I love those words put together. Just makes you think that something truly stupid is about to happen.

It did.

Wal Mart contracted a video company to video their corporate retreats. For years this was handled with a handshake deal from Old Man Sam Walton. Well, when the video company was not re-hired they sold all their video from the events. Handshake deal = no confidentiality agreement.

One of the videos had corporate executives dancing around in lingerie singing the old Christmas song "Winter Wonderland". BUT, they changed the words to Walking 'round in women's underwear.

I guess the legal minds at Wal Mart and now working on contracts for all former employees and video companies!

Oh, Lord, won't you buy me.....

With all the television coverage of the Pope's visit, I couldn't help but see the Pope's car.

I call it the Popecedees Benz. I wonder if it has a "GOD IS MY CO-PILOT" bumper sticker and a plastic Jesus on the dashboard?

God Bless Louisiana

THANGS I LARNED WILE LIVIN IN LUSIANA
1. Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air
2. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in LOUISIANA.
3. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in LOUISIANA plus a couple no one's seen before.
4. If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.
5. Once d and twiced are words. 6. It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy.
7. Fire ants consider your flesh as a picnic
8. People actually grow and eat okra.
9. Fixinto is one word
10. There is no such thing as 'lunch'. There is only dinner and then there is supper.
11. Ice tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar!
12. Backards and forwards means 'I know everything about you.'
13. Jeet? is actually a phrase meaning 'Did you eat?'
14. You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you' re done or it's too dark to see.
15. You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH them.

YOU KNOW YOUR FROM LOUISIANA IF:

1. You measure distance in minutes.
2. You've ever had to switch from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day.
3. You use 'fix' as a verb. Example: 'I'm fixing to go to the store '
4. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.
5. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
6. You know what a 'DAWG' is.
7. You carry jumper cables in your car...for your OWN car.
8. You only own five spices: Tony's (Chachere?), salt, pepper, Tabasco and ketchup.
9. The local papers cover national and international news on one page but require 6 pages for local gossip and sports.
10. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
11. You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit 'a little warm'.
12. You know all four seasons: Deer Season, Duck Season, Crawfish Season, Summer.
13. You know whether another LOUISIANIAN is from, north or south as soon as they start talking (speaking).
14. Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time known as ?goin' Wal-martin?or ?off to Wally World?
15. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good gumbo weather.
16. A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola or pop...it's a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor. Example: 'What kinda coke you want?'
17. Fried catfish is the other white meat.
18. We don't need no stinking driver's ed....if our mama says we can drive, we can drive.

Not EVERYONE can be a LOUISIANIAN, it's an art form and a gift from God

Wanted - Gay Boyfriend

Thirtysomething married white female; mother of three girls, wife of a General Surgeon looking for a gay boyfriend.

Companion needed to share long walks through World Bazzar, Furniture stores and outdoor garden centers.

Must accompany me to Gulf Coast Casinos Shows and other concerts such as Elton John, George Michael, Pat Benatar, Liza Minelli, Kathy Griffin and the traveling production of Cats. Future trips to NYC in the works. Some Travel Expenses paid.

Experience with draperies, color coordinating rugs and flower design a must. Craft experience also a plus, but not necessary.

Theater experience welcomed. Three Darling Daughters need proper coaching on stage and singing techniques.

Cross Dressers and Fierce Trannys always welcome.

Need to get the Tax Monkey off yo back?

In the event you are in the 318 area code, check out this tax service.

They get yo money quick... just like dat!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MorxiSQpXCg

Qa'a Sha... what?

I got this email from one of my crazy friends. THANK YOU!

I am sharing this with you all.

This is NOT a real story. IT IS SATIRE. ON THE ORIGINAL WEBSITE 267 PEOPLE MADE COMMENTS AND 90% OF THEM WERE MAD BECAUSE OF THIS "RULING".


Note: This article is satire, brought to you by the creative minds at The Peoples News. It’s not real, but we hope it made you think.
© 2008 The Peoples News


Federal Judge: Enough With the Stupid Names
March 2, 2008

By Bill Matthews


After Judge Cabrera’s historic ruling, little Clitoria Jackson will likely undergo a name change.

(DETROIT) In a decision that’s expected to send shockwaves through the African-American community—and yet, give much relief to teachers everywhere—a federal judge ruled today that black women no longer have independent naming rights for their children. Too many black children—and many adults—bear names that border on not even being words, he said.

“I am simply tired of these ridiculous names black women are giving their children,” said U.S. Federal Judge Ryan Cabrera before rendering his decision. “Someone had to put a stop to it.”
The rule applies to all black women, but Cabrera singled out impoverished mothers.
“They are the worst perpetrators,” he said. “They put in apostrophes where none are needed.

They think a ‘Q’ is a must. There was a time when Shaniqua and Tawanda were names you dreaded. Now, if you’re a black girl, you hope you get a name as sensible as one of those.”
Few stepped forward to defend black women—and black women themselves seemed relieved.

“It’s so hard to keep coming up with something unique,” said Uneeqqi Jenkins, 22, an African-American mother of seven who survives on public assistance. Her children are named Daryl, Q’Antity, Uhlleejsha, Cray-Ig, Fellisittee, Tay’Sh’awn and Day’Shawndra.
Beginning in one week, at least three white people must agree with the name before a black mother can name her child.

“Hopefully we can see a lot more black children with sensible names like Jake and Connor,” Cabrera said.

His ruling stemmed from a lawsuit brought by a 13-year-old girl whose mother created her name using Incan hieroglyphics.

“She said it would make me stand out,” said the girl, whose name can’t be reproduced by The Peoples News’ technology. “But it’s really just stupid.”
The National Association of Elementary School Teachers celebrated Cabrera’s decision.
“Oh my God, the first day of school you’d be standing there sweating, looking at the list of names wondering ‘How do I pronounce Q’J’Q’Sha.’?” said Joyce Harmon, NAEST spokeswoman. “Is this even English?”

The practice of giving black children outlandish names began in the 1960s, when blacks were getting in touch with their African roots, said historian Corlione Vest. But even he admits it got out of hand.

“I have a niece who’s six. I’m embarrassed to say I can’t even pronounce her name,” said Vest, a professor at Princeton University. “Whenever I want to talk to her, I just wait until she looks at me and then I wave her over.”
Cabrera’s ruling exempted black men because so few of them are actually involved in their children’s lives.

Note: This article is satire, brought to you by the creative minds at The Peoples News. It’s not real, but we hope it made you think.
© 2008 The Peoples News